Monday, December 8, 2014

Tips for surviving Parking Lot Assholes

Its that time of year again, where your kids want every fucking toy they see.  You buy foods that you would never consider cooking but you figure its the holidays you might as well conjure up your inner Betty Crocker.  Some of you know that I like to cook but even I get overwhelmed this time of year.  It never fucking fails either, stores from here to the Mojave Dessert are full of assholes.  Jackasses that park their fucking fuel effient pieces of shit in a way that takes up two parking spaces like this dip shit in the above picture.  So I thought instead of ranting and raving about this fucking douche bags, I would do something about it.  You all care to join me??

1.  If you are a parent you more than likely will have sidewalk chalk at your disposal.  Draw a circle around the car and make arrows at the car and write Asshole Parking like this:

2.  Find your inner computer geek and type up asshole parking tickets and print a shit ton of them off.  Take them with you wherever you go  and place one of these gems on the windshild. Check off what they violated and all will be right with the world.

3.  Find every fucking cardboard box you can think of break them all down so they are flat and cover that mother fucker's car with them.  Make sure you bring a  lot of them too because the more he or she has to remove cardboard off their car.  

4.   Call up a few close friends, primarily the ones who hate asshole parkers as much as you do and have every single one of them park their cars around the said asshole's car.  I can promise that will be the last damn time this fucker ever thinks about taking up two parking spaces.  

5.  This is my last and personal favorite.  Surround that mother fucker's car with shopping carts.  A shit ton of them. 

 I do not condone spray painting the car or any other forms of vandalizm to someone's car even if they are a fucking douche.  However with these tips you can feel better and not have to rant and rave and you can sit back and enjoy the holidays.  How its meant to be enjoyed with pretty paper, bows, Christmas music in the background and a 5th of something strong.  However I dont drink.  Its amazing I dont drink ! 

Monday, December 1, 2014

Facebook Fuckery

So last week I wrote about all the things not to do on facebook.  This week I am going to give you my personal top 5 of things to have fun with on facebook.  I am calling this facebook fuckery because there will be some people with no sense of humor that will take personal offense to these if you do them.  We all know those people who find everything you do or say offensive even when its not about them.  Annoying asshats I know so lets fuck with them.  Heheheehe follow these tips and sit back and laugh your ass off.

1.  Put your ex's name as the status on your facebook post with no further details.  We all love playing party games and when alcohol is involved all kinds of fun can be had.  The loser of this game has to put their ex's name as their status.  Let the comments begin!

2.  Changing your relationship status for the hell of it.  What you do here is find a random friend on your facebook page and change your relationship status to include them in it.  The fun part is to see who is going to accept your relationship lol.

3.  Like all status, pictures ect. Find a random friend and like all their shit, right down to pictures, like all their random postings ect.  Then go back through and remove all the likes.  What that sorry fucker is left with is a shit ton of notifications and nothing to show for it.  Your welcome. 

4.  Randomly changing your information.  For instance you can change weather or not you are interested in men to women or vise versa or you can change your own gender.  The nosey nells of your friends will have something to talk about, and everyone else will either not give a fuck or they have always known this about you.  Either way its comedy at work people.

5.  Posting randomly and tagging all your friends.  An example of this would be  " I just got laid."  and tagging everyone or certain people in the post.  To make that post more interesting tagging more people is better.  Oh let the fuckery begin!  lol

Ok So there you have em guys.  Go into these waters carefully though, we dont want to see you get fired from your job so tagging your boss in some of these is not a good idea, unless you have one of those bosses with a killer sense of humor, dont do it.  If you want to make it a lot more fun tag someone you know is uptight and nervous all the time.  They will totally lose their shit for real. Have fun everyone.


Monday, November 24, 2014

Top 5 of Facebook, Yeah you shouldn't have done that

I have been noticing smart people making really fucking stupid choices when it comes to Facebook. Now is it my business what they do?  No however if they were to ask for anyone's opinion before making these grave choices I bet they would be met with a resounding FUCK NO!  So in this post today I am going to start off by giving you the top 5 no nos when it comes to facebook. I could probably write a novel but this just the fuck ups I see on a regular basis.  So here are the top 5 Dont's to facebook according to me.

1.  Letting someone take over your whole Facebook account. 
 Are you fucking stupid? Do you just want to get thrown off Facebook because if you do then go ahead and let someone take it over.  If you are really that fucking lazy that you need someone to take over for you, just fucking delete your account.  Not only are you allowing them to stalk all your friends but you are giving them way too much control.  Hey dont blame me if your mom calls you and says "what is this I hear about you blowing trannies?"  I tried to warn you, dumbass.

2. Friending people for the "entertainment" of it.  I get it I have been there we always seem to have those "friends" that have more issues than People magazine, however when the amusement goes away and it will, they will fucking drive you insane with their non stop bitching and moaning. Let them fucking go, chances are they dont give a fuck if you are friends with them or not just as long as they have that small group of friends that says, "awwww I am so sorry that happened to you."  Meanwhile they are thinking "omg bitch please, life is what you make it, obviously misery got your company." 

3. Posting cryptic messages without giving any further details and saying shit like "well I don't want to post it all on here."  Keep in mind yes I am guilty of this one and I understand people need to vent that is fine.  However I see it more than I want to of people talking about someone dying and not saying who it is or whatever.  Listen if you dont want to put it on facebook then guess what dumbass?  DONT FUCKING PUT IT ON FACEBOOK EVEN A LITTLE BIT! Really you have to go all or nothing with that shit.  We live in a world today that there are family members spread out by thousands of miles, to put out there some innuendo that could potential be about your family and give no details, makes you an asshole.  

4.  Friending your parents. Omg dont do it you stupid fucks.  Unless of course you are 12 years old and still need monitoring.  Or you have the type of parents that understand completely what Facebook is all about.  If you are in the percentage that have parents who have no clue about facebook its best to not go there.  You dont want your facebook posts to be the topic of every holiday family get together do you?

5.  Complaining that no one comments back to you or likes your statuses.  Now I will say as a blogger both food and doing this blog its imperative to get likes just so people who want to see your shit gets to actually see it.  However if you just are on facebook to connect with old friends and see what is going on their lives and you bitch and moan about people not commenting back, either you dont understand how facebook works or your an attention whore.  The truth of the matter is its not polite or impolite to not comment back.  Shit happens in our real life that causes us to not be strapped down by the chains of facebook.  I know its amazing but it does happen from time to time.  Not everyone is going to be able to read your post either.  Sometimes that new
sfeed is so fast that I cannot keep up so I do real life things, like I dont know take a fucking walk.  Play with my kids or help them with homework.  So please do not jump on my shit if I either dont comment right back to you or like all your shit.  Chances are I have a fucking life, and when I am not busy I will get back to you. 

So there you have em folks the top 5 fuck ups that even your's truly is guilty of from time to time too. 
Stay tuned for the next blog post, the Top 5 Facebook Fuckery will be coming your way next week.  Until then all , itsamazingidontdrink.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The Legend of the Snow Midget

The Snow Midget

A long time ago back when my blended family was in its infancy, the snow midget was born.  He walked for miles but always had to stay in the freezing cold because well.... he was made of snow.  He didn't bring presents or candy he brought chips, salsa and beer.  Lots of beer.  Of course it was root beer, because well we aren't a bunch of drunks ya know. He landed on my back door on our first snow together as a family.  Riding on my daughter's barbie bike and he was wearing her hat and scarf.  None the less my daughter loved him.  She thought he was so funny.  As her and her father were building him from what little bit of snow we got that first snow, I thought to myself, self that is one ugly ass snow man.  However it made my little girl happy and that is all that really matters.  Hilarity did ensue when my husband scurried around the back yard looking for patches of snow to build him.  Toby hardly dressed for the weather and back then he had a lot more hair too, was turning red in the face and on the hands.  The snow midget took them most of the afternoon to build and when I say them, I mean mostly Toby lol.  What can I say he loves that little girl. 

As the snow midget was being built they realized he isn't going to have much character just being a small snow midget so we gave him a motorcycle , a pink one.  Found some sticks for hands and legs and now the snow midget has style.  I would put him on pintrest with instructions on how to make him but I don't want to brag about my daughter and husband's genius skill building. 

After he was built, root beers, chips and salsa for everyone and then they all took naps.  I guess an afternoon of snow midget building was hard work and that snow midget hung out with us all winter long.  Christmas eve we decorated his bike with some tinsel and a couple of ornaments.  This is just one of the funner times of living in a climate where it snows.  Because you yourself can build yourself a snow midget and he can have his very own adventures.  Like the time my daughter took his legs off to sword fight with one of her other friends.  They put his limbs back when they were finished playing and the snow midget was very happy they did.  

However if your snow midget ever tries to come inside your house or starts peeking through your windows its probably best to get some hot water send that snow midget to snow midget heaven.  No I am not drunk as I am writing this and yes its amazing I don't drink.  

Snow midget be ridin

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Hell Yeah I am Pissed and You Should be too!

I am going to change gears here a little bit, why?  Because I can and because this is my blog and I think I have the creative ability to do just that.  As with most of you yesterday I heard the heart breaking news about Robin Williams.  I felt sad for the fact that there will be no more amazing movies, comedy shows or even interviews with this amazing and prolific actor.  I was and still am a huge fan of  Euphegenia Doubtfire and laughed until it physically hurt in Good Morning Vietnam.  That was yesterday, today I am pissed.

Why do you ask?  Because aside from being such a living legend and very versatile in his craft. Robin Williams was a family man, he was happily married had grown children, and had remarkable resources just by being, Robin Williams.  Good person and funny man also suffered from depression, this is not why I am pissed however.  Depression and bipolar are real diseases and should earn your respect because there is no amount of money, medication or self help out there to cure it.  It is manageable though, my husband suffers from those same diseases and its a battle for him daily but you know what, he doesn't think about fucking killing himself.  For those of you who have not heard yet, my husband and I are getting divorced but that doesn't mean I don't still care about him or want the very best for him, he's still my best friend and will continue to be my best friend until I die.  With all that being said though, there is help available and there would have been more help at Robin Williams fingertips than my husband's.  Some people are all pissed off because Shepherd Smith called him a coward, don't be pissed at Shep for speaking the obvious.  He was a fucking coward!  He knew a month ago he needed help and got into a rehab facility, however he should have also took some of the $ he has and got a top notch therapist as well.  I am not saying if he did those things it would be easy, but the mother fucker would be alive today, to be able to see his kids have kids and maybe even teach one of his grand kids his craft of comedy.  However he had to throw that all away!  Suicide is not about just the person committing it, its about the family that has to live with the fact that someone they called daddy or someone they promised their lives to or in some cases gave birth to killed themselves.  In my opinion that makes them no better than some strange asshole off the streets coming in and killing them.  I am no more mad at a murderer than I am with someone who kills themselves.  ITS THE MOST SELFISH FUCKING THING TO DO!   You leave behind so many people that fucking love your ass and they have to somehow pick up the fucking pieces!  Are you fucking kidding me?????  just for loving your ass alone is punishment enough!  Egocentric sons of bitches is what I call them because they are only looking at their pain, their feelings.  I know what I am saying is not popular and not even fucking politically correct but these are my thoughts my feelings about an act that you cannot come back from.  Robin Williams could have made millions of movies and tv shows that failed and he has but he was able to come back from that but this .... no there is no coming back from this shit. Dead is dead and if you feel that you need take your life to make whatever hurt you have going on inside you, think about your kids, think about the family you leave behind that wishes and begs if there was only just one more day with you you may be alive.  They live with that torture for the rest of their lives.  It all could have been avoided if you just got the help you needed. 

If you know someone or you are someone that needs help before its too late place contact these people or someone in your local area.

I want to add that when I wrote this post this was my knee jerk reaction.  Like many of you I was and still am a huge fan of Robin Williams.  I was so saddened to learn he took his own life.  The fact of the matter is we can get mad as I did, or we can understand that dancing in the deep dark corners of depression its hard to see the light.  All I am asking anyone is if you notice the signs be the light for the person who needs it.  Be that candle in the wind if you will or try to find the resources to get help for that person before its too late.  I know there are times that there are no signs visible to anyone else.  All I can do is offer you prayers and my love.  I know this post was very inflammatory to some, I was hurt and angry about the loss of such true talent.   Take care of yourselves.  Heather

Monday, June 9, 2014

Men Are Dumbasses

Before I get started I need to make something very clear, I love men.  I love how they 
think, I love how they smell after they take a shower and without them the human race would end after all ladies without them we would wind up childless.  With that all being said men are dumbasses. 
 You have the men who are so smart, they figure out the most complex mathematical problems and fix your computer at the same time within minutes.  However when it comes to running the microwave or cleaning up the fucking drips they leave on the bathroom floor, its beyond their comprehension.  I guess the mundane day to day tasks of the day completely escapes them, after all they have more important matters to tend to and none of which most of us could understand anyway.
Then you have the mr serious guy, we all know who he is.  He follows the rules to the letter, he always has a super serious look on his face and impossible to read.  I feel sorry for the woman who falls in love with this guy, you will never be able to read him and when it comes to matters of the heart everything is confidential and off the record.  He's the guy who folds his socks a certain way, has his pants, shirts and suits all in a straight line in his closet and I bet they are color coded too.  When it comes to unpredictable life moments that is where these men are a hoot.  They become very confused very fast, you can see it all over their face, fight, flight, laugh or cry.  Once things settle down he's back into his comfort zone once again as Mr Super serious.  
Then you have the guy who says he's a simple man, ladies please don't buy into that.  They are the men who are country boys, not into fashion at all and that is what makes them so goddamned appealing.  Its because of that fact that when you start dating Mr simplistic that women from all walks of life will want to be you and the others will be jealous.  After all they want a simple man too.  There is one flaw with that, a simple man just means he doesn't keep up with trends but likes to do what he wants to do and lives life be the seat of pants.  He doesn't intend to but he does cause a lot of drama and us women call it man drama and yes guys it does exist.  However he is gone before the drama hits the fan and moving on to the next phase in his life.  However this creates a lot of complex situations for this "simple man".
There are also Mr Adventure, Mr Player and Mr couch potato.  All of them have one thing in common, to populate the entire world and do it as fast as possible before they die.  Yes even mr couch potato.  Mr adventure's claim to fame is " Chicks dig it."  Where as Mr player says " I am doing women a public service."  Mr couch potato is saying to his wife or girlfriend "please clean the house naked."  So you see men are loveable creatures and just as much as they are a pain our asses we love them.  We marry them or date them and have their children or not and we still are there for them when they electrocute themselves because their tv wont come in, or when they fall on their asses trying jump over a hill.  Mr player he's a little different because no one has time for his shit and the only woman that will always love him is his mama and in fact that is probably the only woman he will be loyal to for the rest of his life, so you could say Mr player is a closet mama's boy. 

 One thing is for sure if they are all dumbasses, what does that make us for loving them?  Thank you all for stopping by.


Monday, April 7, 2014


.....And we are back, it has been one crazy time over here at its amazing I don't drink.  We are talking about sick kids, sick grown ups, Dr visits, hospital visits and Yolo.  Now let me explain,  I grew up during a time when only the government had computers, cell phones were the size of huge shoe boxes and texting was never heard of.  Yeah I am that old.  I am pretty quick to learn however and taking typing classes that later turned into computer classes when I was high school was a pretty smart thing for me do, considering I am a natural blond.  However there are still things that escapes me like YOLO.  I just learned what it meant and before that I pretended to know.  Yeah we all do that too, we just don't want to admit it. Well I am not too fucking proud, have a couple of kids and all pride goes out the damn window.  Anyway, I have taken the time to help out my generation to keep up with their kid's lingo and be that parent that suddenly makes the cool shit look not so cool anymore.  Yeah I am "that" mom.   My kids really liked Katy Perry until I messed up every single lyric of "I kissed a girl."  That song made my gag reflex go bat shit crazy and I knew my kids had no idea what it meant, so why not fuck it up, it was after all for their sanity, later in their life when they realize what it really means.  Ok so now that I have trailed way off topic let's get helping you poor middle aged bastards that will have one up on your kids, or at least have them thinking you do.

DBA:  Dont bother asking.  So the next time you catch your kids climbing in their bedroom windows late at night and they say DBA, you know something is up.

QAP:  Quick as possible, You will blow your kids cool bubble if you say "take out the trash qap."  

VBD:  Now at first glance this looks like an STD Sexually transmitted disease for those who are not in the know.  But I can promise you this means "Very Big Deal."  I don't know about you but if I see my kids say this, shit's about to get real very fast because how big is this very big deal we are talking about?

FHO:  Friends hanging out, depending on the ages of the friends depends on if you are going to get a visit from your local police department.

INCYDK:  In Case you didn't know, this one stumped me at first because it sounds like a boy band.  However if you see this or hear this from your kids they are either cheating on a test or have a crush on the opposite sex.

403:  Deny access to, this cannot be good.  Your kid will find a way to make sure their denied access will be approved, if it means they need a fake ID or the age old rule of two permits make a license.  This could mean very bad things.

SNH:  Sarcasm noted here, this one isn't bad at all. All that means is your kid inherited your smart ass gene.

YSVW:  Your so very welcome, this could have good and bad reasons on why your kid would text this.  I want to think positive so this one is no big deal. Unless they are knocking over a liquor store for a friend.  

L8TR:  Ok even I figured this out, it means later, for those of you who are still on the short bus or you just have too much shit on your mind to devote to texting then you may not be reading this anyway.

GRX:  This sounds like a new DMX cd but I can promise you it isnt, it means 
Gracias, Merci.  No problems here either the kids are just saying thank you, be it answers to a test or for any number of things, use your imagination.

ULM:  You love me, again depends on your kid on how this one could go. Unless they are texting this to their teacher I am sure you have nothing to worry about.

YGTI:   You get the idea, this could be very bad, you get the idea that we are going to put sugar in a gas tank, or you get the idea that we are going to do homework this weekend, see shit can go both ways.

TLTR:  Too long to read, even I suffer from this if something is too long I skim through it probably like what you are doing now.  Imagine saying this the next time you get a speeding ticket lol.  Laugh out loud for those who don't know.

YOLO:   You only live once, if you ever see this be prepared for either parents coming to your house or police.  

FTW:  Fuck the world, this has been around since I was a kid, in fact there was a water tower about a block from my house and some asshole climbed up there and wrote this with black spray paint for everyone to see.  If you were that little asshole that did that and your reading this now, STFU, shut the fuck up for those who are not in the know.

So there you have em folks, the short hand of life that can mean so little or not depending on what kind of debauchery you or your kids are into.

Oh and as a side note the title of this post means:  Rolling on the floor laughing my mother fucking ass off while shitting my pants.  


Sunday, March 16, 2014

The Bachelor needs a Make over

There has been something bothering me and I feel I need to share.  Being a busy mom in the real world with real world problems, I have succumbed to the reality show world.  I dont know if there are any 12 step programs out there for it but I just like it.  I love how these shows can take "real" situations and turn then into great tv.  I love watching shows like the Bachelor, I am such a romantic that I love seeing people fall in love. I think when its really love you can see it even through your tv.  I also think when its just a booty call you can see that happening too, that is why ABC made sure there was a hot tub on every lot the cast goes to.
 With all my love for the show I am a little disappointed it in it too.  Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that there has never been a black, Mexican or Asian bachelor.  I guess they save that for the contestants, just to say 'see we are not racist."  Another beef I have with the bachelor is they only show the rich, skinny and beautiful girls, they never show anyone toe up on there.  I would love to watch a season of the bachelor and see just an average guy looking for love.  ABC you should be listening here because average to ugly people need love too.  The only people who deserve to get married and live happily ever after are ken and barbie cut outs, at least that is what ABC is portraying.  Instead of barbie and ken though I would like to see someone like Shrek and Fiona on these shows. What about the men that love big women, or the men who are not looking for barbie but looking for something real, something that isnt all wrapped up in plastic and looks good for cameras but has no fucking substance as a human what so ever.  An example of this would be this season's winner Nikki.  I wanted to like the girl and in the beginning I did but when she showed no backbone on after the rose ceremony and never fully expressed what she wanted out of this farce of a relationship, I lost respect for her.  She had no balls and she had no personality.  Although I have to agree with Juan Pablo, you cannot just come right out and say "I love you" when it feels forced or is a money shot for a tv show.  It has to come natural but honestly there is nothing natural about this show. Here is the thing though every single last air headed, plastic barbie doll on this show is exactly like season's before it.  They all look the same, come from the same backgrounds and pretty much have no substance as a human at all.  I am not saying that attractive people cannot have personality, I know plenty of attractive people that do, hell I am one of them but I believe that there has to be more.  We all age and our tits and balls sag to the floor before we are dead.  One would think we could find someone who tickled our intellect as well as private parts too.  
Anyway I guess until ABC changes or not I will still watch the show like a fool and still get frustrated when normal people with normal lives are not on the show.  Why do you ask?  because like a lot of people I love love and I love seeing love, real love happen for people.  In a world composed of hate these days, when real love happens its hope and a reminder that the human heart isnt so jaded and twisted.  

Come on Barbie let's go party

Friday, March 7, 2014

10 Tips for Dating

Googly Eyed Swamp Donkey

We are going to change gears around here a little bit and I am going to be posting over here once a week instead of every day.  I am just not smart enough to think of shit off the top of my head every day.  Hell, I am lucky that I remember to put on a damn bra everyday and even that can be iffy.
 Even though I am married, I still understand the whole dating scene, I have a lot of single friends and what they are facing when they walk outside their front doors, is nothing more than frightening fuckers one way or another.  Here is my list of warning signs that you may want to consider when you are faced with a flight or fight response, for men and women.

1.  If your date follows you home and is looking through your windows with binoculars.  Run, Don't walk away and better that sorry piece of shit a date with the local police.

2.  If you are on a date and through out your entire date you feel you are competing with a cell phone. At this point you are on a date with a player or some fucked up person who is for lack of a better term socially retarded.

3.  If your date finds imaginary spots on glassware, silverware, or any type of ware.  Hounds your wait person to death about changing dishes out, get the fuck out of there!  This asshole probably takes 2 hours to take a dump they are so uptight.  Get out of there or better yet if your wait person is single and attractive slip them your number with their tip.

4.  If you show up to your date's house and you soon realize that your date has more cats than pet hoarders. Its probably best you come down with a sickness that just suddenly happened.  I love cats but I have 1, anything after about 8 is beyond the scope and no one wants to smell cat shit and get cat hair in their mouth just by simple conversation.  Plus you can never have a conversation with them about their furry little problem because "those are their babies."  

5. If your date makes it very clear to you that everyone you see, they have had sex with including the lady or man at the lunch counter.  Get the hell out of there, for all you know they contracted every std known to man and probably a few the medical profession doesn't know about yet.

6. If your date refers to themselves in the third person, "Fannie would like the crab"  or "Steve would prefer the steak".  That shit is too creepy, just imagine how awkward it would be make out with that person.  "Steve would like you to kiss him."  I cannot go on I just puked in my mouth.  Fuck.

7. If you're on a date with someone who slouches down in the seat, covers their face and basically hides under the steering wheel at a stop light or whenever there is a cop nearby.  Get the fuck out of there!  9 times out of 10 the next time you go to your local post office you will more than likely see a picture of them there.  

8.  If before you go on a date with this person and they call you every 10 minutes for hours on end to make sure you show up.  Do not go on the date!  This person has some issues that I dont even know if Dr. Phil could help them out with.  

9.  If your date only talks about their ex and tells you all the stories about them and their ex and compares you to them.  Run don't walk away.  Chances are they are not over their ex and you would just be a rebound.  Not that it would ever happen because they are too hung up on their ex.

10.  This one is the last one but the most important one of all.  If you go to their house to pick them up and you notice a room that has tons of bulletin boards and all those boards have pictures of women or men that look like you and have similar features and it reminds you of an episode of CSI or Criminal Minds. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!!!!!!! Chances are they are in the business of making lampshades and other decorative household objects out of human skin.  

Some of these things have happened to me and some haven't.  Can you guess which ones?   Oh its amazing I don't drink!  

"Your Date is here."  

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Laptop Terminator

Bailey the Terminator Covered in Green marker

As my youngest child started to show parts of her personality, I knew she is going to be her own person.  Even as baby, before words she was so funny.  Always expressive and always very independent.  I was told by a very loved family member the more independent the child, the bigger messes they make.  Boy oh boy was that family member right on!  My youngest daughter was such a smart ass, she refused to say mom or dad as her first words.  Her first word was "yeah".  Not the yeah you would say in agreement but "yeah" let's raise hell. 
As she got older and more mobile, more talkative she became a one child wrecking ball.  We would be cleaning up one of her messes just to run after her to clean up another one.  People would assume that there was no way she had just a matter of minutes to make half the messes she made but she did and I have witnesses.  However nothing got more of a beating than my husband's laptop.  His stepfather worked for IBM at the time and was able to score him a refurbished company laptop.  From the word go my daughter thought of that laptop as a challenge.  She tried every fucking substance known to man and even if it wasn't man made, shit she was going to invent that mother fucker.  She got into trouble, had toys taken away from her and was made to help clean it up and spent some time in time out.  Nothing was stopping her, she was determined this machine had to die. Below is a list and it reads as a grocery list, I can promise you its not groceries but in fact all the liquid she used:

  • Coffee-done
  • Soda x 20 - you got it
  • Fingernail Polish remover- Hell Yeah
  • Aloe after-sun lotion- no brainer
  • Hair Dangler - fuck yeah
  • H2o-yeah x30
  • Fingernail Polish-colorful but not deadly
  • Mayo - who needs a salad when you have a laptop
  • Bubble Bath- scrub a dub dub
  • Bubbles x 200 - Dead as a door nail
Its a good thing she is so damn cute and I love her to tips of her little toes to the ends of her hair, because its amazing I don't drink.

Not happy she got into trouble for cutting her bangs

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Mother Shaming

Today I am going to be straight up 100 percent honest with you.  After I had my youngest daughter, I had a very mild case of post postpartum depression.  Right after she was born I had a hard time bonding with her.  This only lasted for about week.  However it scared the hell out of me.  Made me feel like a terrible person and mother.  Another thing that knocked me off my "mommy" pedestal was I couldn't breast feed her. My breasts just were not working and my milk never came in, hell my colostrum never came in.  All of these things combined, made me feel less than anyone.  I was jealous of the moms that never had an issue with either and never understood my plight.  Moms in general have a very bad attitude towards other mothers who cannot do something that they take for granted is so easy for them.  I felt like an outcast and I felt like I didn't deserve my daughter.  I blamed myself for every thing, if she was fussy it was my fault, if she was crying it was my fault.  Hell sometimes being so fucking tired of being up all night with her I would cry with her.  After all there wasn't much else I could do.  No one understood me, not even me.  I heard the typical "how do you know you cannot breast feed if you don't try."  Believe me I tried and failed many times nothing was working and my daughter needed to eat so formula was a God send.  Yes I am not an uneducated prick that doesn't understand breast is best but I couldn't do it period.  I am saying and admitting all things because its ok if you are in the same situation, you have to do what is best for you and baby, not what is right for the rest of the Goddamned world!  I can promise you too all these mommy bitches out there that are trying to shame you, they don't feel so fucking perfect either.  They are jumping on you to make themselves feel better because they can do what you cannot or what your body cannot.  Do not let them catty bitches get to you!  There are going to be times through raising your kids that these typical bitches are going to have opinions on your life and the life of your kids constantly.  Your kids will do something that their kids may never do and I am here to tell you its ok!  Kids are like fingerprints and they are each unique like fingerprints.  No two kids from the same parents are alike.  Its impossible.  So even though your kid may be the last kid to learn how to walk, talk, or be potty trained, does not make you any less of a kick ass mother!  Being a mother is tough, it would be so much better if as mothers we listened to one another instead of accuse one another.  We try to help more and hurt less, we stop SHAMING other mothers for fuck's sake we are in this together!  Isn't that what girl power is all about?  As a side note who the fuck died and left this catty bitches in charge of the mother's self righteous group where everyone has to follow them or get off the fucking horse altogether!  All I am saying is we need to be supportive to one another, raise either up instead of trying haul everyone down.  I am here to tell you right now if your a new mom, hell even if you are not but still having some problems with your kids, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!  Speak up we are all not perfect but we do the best we can with what we have every day!  A rough patch today will be a lesson learned tomorrow.  Spilled milk today will be thrown out with tomorrow's trash.  We will get through it, and I believe if we became more supportive and less judgmental of one another, it will make our journey less stressful and our relationships more meaningful.  So if you know a struggling mom, offer her support even if it means just another set of ears to listen to.  Sometimes that is all we need.  We need to be part of the solution and less of the problem.  With the statistics that show men don't live as long as women do, don't you think we should start the foundation with female friendships now?  What we choose to see outside our windows is only as clean as our windows from which we see from.  Talk to you tomorrow guys!  Its amazing I don't drink.

Bailey when she was 1 day old 

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Blizzards, whoopie pies, and Hormones

Every person is different, every child is different and so is every pregnancy.  There is no paint by numbers, cookie cutter, one size fits all answer to anything that life throws at us.  If you don't know that by now, have a couple of children and you will soon find out a couple of things.  The first being, you are never as smart as you think you are and the second being sometimes there are no solutions, so just do the best you can and fuck all the opinions out there.  My second pregnancy was way different from my first, the first pregnancy I had an upset stomach from time to time, but I could handle it.  When I was pregnant for baby number 2, I was full on puking all day every day for hours.  Moments I thought I was hungry all I wanted was crackers and ginger ale.  Then being hot all day every day, windows had to be on and open 24-7.  Doesn't sound so bad except it was in the middle of December.  When you take a look around and you see your husband and daughter all bundled up, like they were going outside to make snow forts or some shit, and you are sitting there in shorts and a tank top complaining of the heat.  Your ass might be pregnant or you have a major drug problem and you need to get that shit looked at either way.
 Another difference in the two pregnancies was with the first baby, I craved EVERYTHING and I made no apologies for it either.  Baby number two was different, all I craved when I wasn't puking my guts out, was whoopie pies.  See the picture above for those of you who don't know what they are.
 Our little bundle of joy was not due out of the oven until February.  We live in Maine so our winters can be brutal at times.  There was this one day when I was craving whoopie pies at 8pm at night and our state was in lock down because the snow was verging on epic.  Looking out our kitchen window we couldn't see anything that was a foot in front of us.  However when these cravings hit, if they are not taken care of in timely fashion, full on mood swing will appear and your husband/boyfriend or family member will get the brunt of it.
Even though he didn't want to, Toby ventured out in this record breaking storm to hunt down none other than whoopie pies.  After about 2 hours he made it home safe and sound and had about a case with him.  He proceeded to tell me about his adventure going from all over our city trying to find whoopie pies.  I thanked him so much for his bravery, after all his youngest child depended on it.  He went to one store and they were all out of them, he got back in his truck and drove to the next spot and they were out of them.  He drove all over town, went to every convenience store, grocery store and market in the whole county and everyone was out of fucking whoopie pies!  Finally he hit a little store that was just minutes from our house and low and behold they had them.  After he raided all the whoopie pies paid for them and came home.  He walked into the house like the abominable snowman, he was covered in snow, cheeks red from it being so cold out and a huge bag of whoopie pies.  I say to him " Toby I only wanted 1."  With an angry look on his face his response to me is " Its a fucking mess out there, I almost went off the road two times, I am not getting back out there in this shit, I have no idea how long this is supposed to last, and you will get cravings tomorrow and the next day until you have this fucking kid, so I bought every fucking last one to last a while, shut the hell up and eat your fucking whoopie pie!"  I could tell that it probably wasn't the right moment to bring up the fact we were out of milk after a while you can learn from the cues your spouse gives you.  So I did I kept my mouth shut and ate my whoopie pie.  Took a nap, woke up and puked again. That night when Toby laid down to go to sleep a thought ran through his head all it kept saying like a broken record is "Its amazing I am not drunk."

Here are some pictures:  

February 1st 2007 Bailey Elizabeth was born

Toby had hair and our lives as we knew it would be over!

Monday, February 24, 2014

Elbows, Swamp Donkeys, Dora and Babies

This is not from the elbow incident but the day I found out I was pregnant, I beat his ass!

  Traditionally in life you meet a man, go on a few dates, get engaged, get married and then have the children.  Not me, I like a good challenge and never in my life did I ever choose the easy way......for anything.  An example of this according to my mother, because I cannot remember this far back, I learned to walk before I could crawl..... choices.  I always chose the most difficult path and work my way back to easy.  So having a child before marriage is typical Heather.
  I never went to bars because quite frankly that wasn't my thing plus  if I wanted to get dirty and sweaty and then lose my shit for a while, I can just try to clean up after my daughter.  I also felt and still feel that bars are over priced fuckery.  The one time I did go on a date, the asshole says after I tell him I have a child " so your looking for a baby daddy."  I got up out of my chair and walked out the door and came home.  On the way home is when I really thought up all the good shit to say back to him like, "wow with a come on like that you must be laid.... a lot."  And my personal favorite it "I don't need a baby daddy, you need to find the goddamn gutter from which you came you googly eyed, swamp donkey."
  After that disastrous date if you could even call it one, I decided to keep my ass home and surf the net.  Now I will be honest with you, I do not recommend this for anyone because quite frankly there are more googly eyed swamp donkeys lurking on the computer sending out pictures of male models and passing them off as their own pictures.  However I don't take the easy road in anything I do in life and I am always up for the challenge.  So AOL chat rooms here I come!  With all the gusto and determination of a jack rabbit, I tore that shit up, in a metaphorical way.  I became friends with a lot of regulars and you could tell the people that were legit from the ones who wanted a "special phone call."  I met this guy Kevin, he's a really nice man and to this day I keep in touch with him.  I was off this particular day and I was just shooting the shit with Kevin, my daughter was watching Dora.  Halfway listening to the obnoxious "swiper no swiping" I heard a word I mistook for a a bung hole.  I told Kevin that Dora is officially not allowed in my house after that.  In comes this man he went under the handle Setdhooktx, he read the conversation and quickly educated me that it wasn't a bung hole I heard but abajo Spanish for below.  After my spanish lesson I learned a lot about this man whose name is Toby.  We talked on the phone once and like God was answering his prayers,he sent Toby flying over 30 stairs leading from his mother's front door.  He busted up his elbow and he claims to this day it was an omen, I say it was God's way of saying get your shit together.  Whatever it was we were together for 3 years talking on the phone every night.  He was in Colorado and I in Maine so it wasn't like we could visit much. Long story short, after a busted up elbow, Dora telling my kids to say inappropriate things, and 3 years of dealing with a stubborn ass Yankee  woman as he likes to call me.  He finally made it here and refused to leave.  As much as I tried to throw that sorry bastard out he wont leave.  So I figured fuck it I might as well marry him.
 Then the fateful day arrived FUCK I found out I was pregnant with another child! All I could think to myself was Its just amazing I don't drink. 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Baby Powder Incident

Before I get into today's post I want to thank you all for your support.  When I first started toying with the idea of creating another blog, I wasn't exactly sure how it would be received if at all. So thank you very much!
 Being a single mom in the toddler years it was a learning experience.  For example when laying on the couch with said toddler it isn't wise to try to pick up one of their toys to hand it to them.  Sure its all innocent and fun at first until you bang your heads together, ironically enough there were no brilliant ideas just a black eye for mom to wear to work.  I would love to say this is the first and only time having a toddler in the house was painful.  However there have been times when in a pitch black bed room, in the middle of the night you startle awake only to see big blue eyes staring back at you with no expression on their face.  Very reminiscent to Poltergeist.  Of course I went flying from my bed screaming like crazed woman, and it sent my daughter screaming for dear life too. After all she never saw the movie.  She is now 11 and still wont because I am that mom that doesn't let her kids do anything apparently.  Also its probably a wise idea to never and I mean NEVER, turn your back for a second.  Even if you have a full view of them, they are quick little suckers and can make a toy out of everything.  Baby powder is no exception to this rule.  Baby powder is so fun it goes everywhere, you can wear it, just refer to the picture above and it makes for great household decoration.  Just look at the wonderful art work mine did to my couch

Needless to say we were still cleaning out baby powder when we got rid of the old blue bomb.  Hey at least it smelled nice.  As quick as hiccup your toddler has so much possibility and can accomplish it in such little time.  The Olympics have nothing on a toddler.  
Although I wouldn't trade those years for anything in the world there are moments where I slam the soft spot in my head on the freezer door.  I am reminded of all the times I had slammed that very same soft spot, on the frame of my two door car getting my toddler in and out of her car seat, and hearing her non stop laughter about it.  It hurts just as much today as it did the very first time I did it.  Guess what that same child will still laugh hysterically when I hurt my head.  
At the end of the day when your toddler is sleeping, its time for mom to put ice on the black eye, maybe turn on the bathroom light so at least its not pitch black, clean up the baby powder and unwind.  Also its a good time to think to yourself "oh lord what in the world will tomorrow bring?"  And to always say to yourself before drifting off to sleep, its amazing I don't drink.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Another Lifetime ago, I was a Single Mother

We are back again, now I will have to tell you that I was a single mother before I was married. I will make a confession to you all, there is no such thing as perfection when your new born beautiful bundle of joy projectile shits from your wrist to your elbow while changing diapers.  I know that being a parent has changed my life in many profound ways, but none are more profound than the constant urge pull out your hair most.  Do not get me wrong I love my children with everything I have.  Honestly though, no one ever tells you there are going to be days where they are peeing, pooping, puking, screeching bundles of joy.  And that is just me.... imagine what that poor baby must think.  As a single mom I got to experience the joys of mother hood, and father hood all at once.  I guess its a good thing I went through that though because it really made me get real about what I was wanting in a relationship....... at the time I lusted after jack... Jack Daniels that is.  However I shook off that urge because I had a little tiny person to take care of and no one has time for that shit. My daughter was like clock work if I took too much time taking a shower, eating, talking on the phone, grocery shopping, whatever it was she would wake up from naps, or just holler at me until I got her out of her crib.  My daughter from a very young age trained me to be her mom, I know that sounds so funny and silly and verging on ridiculous but its true.  When you are the child's end all and be all of parents its like a Adhd every single minute of the day ..... oh the fun.  Just when you think yes!  I have time to wash dishes... wait.. what dishes? Who the fuck gets excited about that?  I did that is who,  any little pocket of time I could get. Where I could be a grown person for a minute I took it.  That was soon taken care of very quickly by the screaming child.  Then you had the wonderful family members, and you know who they are.  The ones who give you unsolicited advice and explaining to you how if you only got married or found someone it would make everything magically better, financially and other wise.While I understood the idea of it and in a perfect world yes it would be nice to find Mr Prince Charming, that isn't reality.  I think at that time in my life the last damn thing I needed was another whiny grown person in life. Hell I was whiny enough I didn't need anyone else to help it along. After all I whined better than my infant daughter did.  Then you have the people who think because they are married and you are not somehow that makes them better parents. They are easy to spot, normally the dad is wearing crocs and every Saturday night he dresses up like Marge at the "club." Not that there is anything wrong with that to each his own.  I just dont believe on bashing on anyone, you know the saying its something about shoes, and walking.  I am sorry after I hear the word shoes my mind goes blank and all I can think of are my favorite ones. However I think I did pretty well on my own.  I worked hard, my daughter went to day care and at the end of the night it was just her and I. I loved those times, I would be rocking her in my rocking chair, singing twinkle twinkle little star and she would doze off.  Such a sweet moment until the quiet of the evening was broken with a larger than life fart and my arm gets warm.. Yup its time for another shitty diaper change.  It was at that moment I realized two things one this is going to require a bath and two Its amazing I do not drink.  

Thank you all for stopping by and read my ramblings.


Friday, February 21, 2014

I am not just a One Trick Pony

Welcome to my new blog.  Now some of you may know me by my recipes on youtube and on but I am not just a one trick pony.  I have been writing short stories, and keeping a journal since I was in the 3rd grade.  See that little blond haired girl in the picture, that is me when I was 2 years old.  All sweet and kind but full of hell and you would never know by looking at that little chubby face but it all was about to change. Before I begin to tell you the main purpose for this blog I should explain that every day of my life is a sitcom.  I have two spirited children that are exactly like me in very different ways.  I will tell you all the escapades we go through here and try to keep it comical for your entertainment purposes. However I cannot begin to tell you our family story without first telling you all where it all began. You guessed it, me.  Now when I was little I was very sweet however I grew up.  I have had my share of experiences.  Nothing compares to the time I decided to take a greyhound bus to West Virginia, a place I have never been to meet someone I have never met.  All I can say is after that trip I do believe in God because I thank my lucky stars the person I went to meet was not a crazed lunatic.  I took the bus alone.  Now to some of you city dwellers this is no big deal.  However I grew up in a very small town where everyone knew everyone, and it was normal for the youth to be naive to the dangers that lurks outside our city limits. So because I believed all that people were good, I saw no problem being in my early twenties... traveling.... by bus..... alone.  This was going to be about a two to three day adventure for me and quite frankly it was.  I knew I was no longer in Kansas anymore when we had a 4 hour lay over in the New York City Port Authority and I saw a man pee in a trash can and come back to the same trash can and look through it.  After being on the bus for about a day I was hungry and thirsty and so very tired.  I saw a soda machine and wanted to buy myself a Snapple, however being hungry, tired and thirsty I didn't see the sign on the machine that said out of product.  The machine had no problems taking two dollars though and all to my embarrassment I see two men about my age, rather nice looking laughing their ever loving asses off at me.  Yeah I can laugh about it now but my face turned 50 shades of red that night.  When I finally made it to my destination it was relief for sure.  We had fun we went to the movies, had wings at a bar, and he was so thoughtful he let me buy him and his roommates groceries, a real catch he was.  However if that was the worst I could handle it.  After being there for about a week it was time to come home.  I was feeling like an experienced traveler at this point. It wasn't until we hit Maryland and this lady was sitting next to me and she was telling me how things like parenting has changed since she had her kids.  She told me many heart warming stories like the time her kids were fighting and she locked them in closets.  She proceeded to tell me back in those days you could do that and she did along with not feeding them when they were in trouble.  It was that moment when I thought to myself "self, you are better off just not saying a word, just smile and nod Heather, just smile and nod."  To this day that is how I get through uncomfortable situations, smiling and nodding, unless of course my husband pisses me off but that is for another day.  Needless to say I did make it back to my small town in one piece and that was the first time that I ever felt grateful for being from a small town. As I think back to that time in my life, I am scared because you know the curse that every mother puts on her children and my mother was no different, you know the one your mother always says to you when you have messed up.  " One day when you have kids I hope you have 2 just like you."  Yeah my mom is loving the fact that for her it has come true.  I am sure she always thought to herself too at the end of the day when I was in bed sleeping, its amazing I don't drink.  

Come back again for more twisted tales of life with Heather and her kids!

Thank you for stopping by:  Heather