10 Tips for Dating

Googly Eyed Swamp Donkey

We are going to change gears around here a little bit and I am going to be posting over here once a week instead of every day.  I am just not smart enough to think of shit off the top of my head every day.  Hell, I am lucky that I remember to put on a damn bra everyday and even that can be iffy.
 Even though I am married, I still understand the whole dating scene, I have a lot of single friends and what they are facing when they walk outside their front doors, is nothing more than frightening fuckers one way or another.  Here is my list of warning signs that you may want to consider when you are faced with a flight or fight response, for men and women.

1.  If your date follows you home and is looking through your windows with binoculars.  Run, Don't walk away and better that sorry piece of shit a date with the local police.

2.  If you are on a date and through out your entire date you feel you are competing with a cell phone. At this point you are on a date with a player or some fucked up person who is for lack of a better term socially retarded.

3.  If your date finds imaginary spots on glassware, silverware, or any type of ware.  Hounds your wait person to death about changing dishes out, get the fuck out of there!  This asshole probably takes 2 hours to take a dump they are so uptight.  Get out of there or better yet if your wait person is single and attractive slip them your number with their tip.

4.  If you show up to your date's house and you soon realize that your date has more cats than pet hoarders. Its probably best you come down with a sickness that just suddenly happened.  I love cats but I have 1, anything after about 8 is beyond the scope and no one wants to smell cat shit and get cat hair in their mouth just by simple conversation.  Plus you can never have a conversation with them about their furry little problem because "those are their babies."  

5. If your date makes it very clear to you that everyone you see, they have had sex with including the lady or man at the lunch counter.  Get the hell out of there, for all you know they contracted every std known to man and probably a few the medical profession doesn't know about yet.

6. If your date refers to themselves in the third person, "Fannie would like the crab"  or "Steve would prefer the steak".  That shit is too creepy, just imagine how awkward it would be make out with that person.  "Steve would like you to kiss him."  I cannot go on I just puked in my mouth.  Fuck.

7. If you're on a date with someone who slouches down in the seat, covers their face and basically hides under the steering wheel at a stop light or whenever there is a cop nearby.  Get the fuck out of there!  9 times out of 10 the next time you go to your local post office you will more than likely see a picture of them there.  

8.  If before you go on a date with this person and they call you every 10 minutes for hours on end to make sure you show up.  Do not go on the date!  This person has some issues that I dont even know if Dr. Phil could help them out with.  

9.  If your date only talks about their ex and tells you all the stories about them and their ex and compares you to them.  Run don't walk away.  Chances are they are not over their ex and you would just be a rebound.  Not that it would ever happen because they are too hung up on their ex.

10.  This one is the last one but the most important one of all.  If you go to their house to pick them up and you notice a room that has tons of bulletin boards and all those boards have pictures of women or men that look like you and have similar features and it reminds you of an episode of CSI or Criminal Minds. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!!!!!!! Chances are they are in the business of making lampshades and other decorative household objects out of human skin.  

Some of these things have happened to me and some haven't.  Can you guess which ones?   Oh its amazing I don't drink!  

"Your Date is here."  

Elbows, Swamp Donkeys, Dora and Babies

This is not from the elbow incident but the day I found out I was pregnant, I beat his ass!

  Traditionally in life you meet a man, go on a few dates, get engaged, get married and then have the children.  Not me, I like a good challenge and never in my life did I ever choose the easy way......for anything.  An example of this according to my mother, because I cannot remember this far back, I learned to walk before I could crawl..... choices.  I always chose the most difficult path and work my way back to easy.  So having a child before marriage is typical Heather.
  I never went to bars because quite frankly that wasn't my thing plus  if I wanted to get dirty and sweaty and then lose my shit for a while, I can just try to clean up after my daughter.  I also felt and still feel that bars are over priced fuckery.  The one time I did go on a date, the asshole says after I tell him I have a child " so your looking for a baby daddy."  I got up out of my chair and walked out the door and came home.  On the way home is when I really thought up all the good shit to say back to him like, "wow with a come on like that you must be laid.... a lot."  And my personal favorite it "I don't need a baby daddy, you need to find the goddamn gutter from which you came you googly eyed, swamp donkey."
  After that disastrous date if you could even call it one, I decided to keep my ass home and surf the net.  Now I will be honest with you, I do not recommend this for anyone because quite frankly there are more googly eyed swamp donkeys lurking on the computer sending out pictures of male models and passing them off as their own pictures.  However I don't take the easy road in anything I do in life and I am always up for the challenge.  So AOL chat rooms here I come!  With all the gusto and determination of a jack rabbit, I tore that shit up, in a metaphorical way.  I became friends with a lot of regulars and you could tell the people that were legit from the ones who wanted a "special phone call."  I met this guy Kevin, he's a really nice man and to this day I keep in touch with him.  I was off this particular day and I was just shooting the shit with Kevin, my daughter was watching Dora.  Halfway listening to the obnoxious "swiper no swiping" I heard a word I mistook for a a bung hole.  I told Kevin that Dora is officially not allowed in my house after that.  In comes this man he went under the handle Setdhooktx, he read the conversation and quickly educated me that it wasn't a bung hole I heard but abajo Spanish for below.  After my spanish lesson I learned a lot about this man whose name is Toby.  We talked on the phone once and like God was answering his prayers,he sent Toby flying over 30 stairs leading from his mother's front door.  He busted up his elbow and he claims to this day it was an omen, I say it was God's way of saying get your shit together.  Whatever it was we were together for 3 years talking on the phone every night.  He was in Colorado and I in Maine so it wasn't like we could visit much. Long story short, after a busted up elbow, Dora telling my kids to say inappropriate things, and 3 years of dealing with a stubborn ass Yankee  woman as he likes to call me.  He finally made it here and refused to leave.  As much as I tried to throw that sorry bastard out he wont leave.  So I figured fuck it I might as well marry him.
 Then the fateful day arrived FUCK I found out I was pregnant with another child! All I could think to myself was Its just amazing I don't drink.