Monday, April 13, 2015

Office Memo to beat all Office Memos

The other day I was reading something about a local business changing some rules.  One of the rules that I guess annoys some people are body sprays, perfumes and the like.  While some of it I understand, the rest sounded a bit too assholish for lack of a better word.  Now I understand in some businesses perfumes and body sprays should be left at home.  There are some businesses where I feel it should be a personal choice.  I mean if we are going to attack people's personal choices on fragrance, you know it wont just stop there.  We have turned into a country of pleasers.  We all know what happens when you try to please everyone.  It cannot be fucking done, period.  There is no degree of butt hurt that anyone gives a rats ass to.  Someone somewhere is going to bitch and complain because they are fuckholes, and no other reason.  I was inspired to create my own fake company with my own fake rules because listen people!  Today it starts with your personal fragrances, tomorrow what is it going to be your pets, maybe your kids?  

Office Memo:

Effective immediately!  As some of you know we are changing things around at Hannigan Inc.  We have created this list of rules for the betterment of our team.  We at Hannigan Inc. feel in order to better service our clients we must first show proper respect for our teammates. 

1.  Please leave your perfumes, colognes, aftershaves and the like for your days off.  Some people have allergies to these things and we must be sensitive and respectful of our teammates.

2.  Please save your showers for the weekends, no later than Sunday morning and no sooner than Friday evenings.  Because it has come our attention that some of our teammates have strong allergies to these scented products, even the unscented varieties pose a problem  Monday through Friday please refrain from showers or baths.

3.  No smoking on your breaks,lunches, or in your car to work or any part of your work day.  Save your smoking for the weekends.  Studies have shown that smokers are not productive and require more breaks than the average employee.   If you have trouble with this we have resources available anonymously so you can quit without the knowledge of others knowing your problem.

4.  Employees at Hannigan Inc, will be terminated immediately if they have children or are actively caring for another person's child. Studies have shown parents and guardians are not reliable and are less productive.  They miss more time from work, jeopardizing morale of teammates.  If you are currently pregnant or just found out your coworker is with child come to my office immediately so we can look into other forms of employment for said coworker.

5.  We will no longer allow employees to have or own pets.  Unless they are shaved.  Some of our clients have pet allergies and have complained that some of our teammates have sparked an allergy causing them to miss time from their own jobs.  If you cannot shave your pets you will have to give them up to the shelter.  There is a shelter that is more than happy to work with us to help us all.  Every Saturday they will be here in the parking lot from 8 am -4pm and you can drop off your pets then.  

6.  At Hannigan Inc, we understand you have 1 hour for lunch.  Please refrain from these foods at this time:  Seafood of any kind, onions, garlic, salads of any kind, nuts, eggs, or dairy products.  It has come to our attention that many of our fellow teammates and some of our clients have severe allergies.  Please let's be respectful of those allergies.  Our main goal is to provide a healthy work environment after all.

7.  Please do not launder your work clothes.  Our fellow coworkers have a hard time with laundry soaps and such so much so that even the scent free soaps have become a problem.  So out of respect for our fellow teammates do not wash, or launder the clothes you wear to work.  Also please store said work clothes separately from all other clothing, to ensure they are scent free.

8.  It is imperative you keep a clean and neat appearance at all times.  We do not want to offend our clients or fellow coworkers.

9.  As some of you are aware of we have had to make some cut backs.  Unfortunately the electric bills in the summer are so high, we have to eliminate the use of the air conditioners this summer.  No personal desktop fans will be allowed either.  

10.  No drinking alcohol on non work hours through the business week.  You may drink your adult beverages on Friday evening and on Saturday.  No alcohol Sunday morning through Friday afternoon.  

These rules will be strictly enforced and violators will be terminated immediately.  Thank you for working with us and remember as always, we are a team.  Let's all be respectful of one another.  


Agetha Hannigan 
Ceo of Hannigan Inc.

This is what we are coming to ladies and gentlemen its only a matter of time before you have to shave your cat and not take a shower.  Itsamazingidontdrink.  

Take care, Heather

Thursday, March 19, 2015


There have been a few things on my mind that I feel I must share with you.  After all it wouldn't be in my nature if I didn't.  I will try not to make this post too ranty and ravy however some of these things I am about to share with you piss me off and the rest I am left with a puzzled what the hell look on my face.  

What the Hell Moments to Live by:

1. You met him or her at a certain place and now your all pissed because that is what they do.  An example would be you met your man or woman at a strip club and now you have an issue with them stripping?  Ummm what the hell fuck face?  If you don't want that life maybe you should have called it what it was and moved on.  This also works for the chicks who meet a guy in a bar and have issues with him going to the bar.  Umm exactly what part of you met him in a bar you don't understand?

2.  Mr or Mrs prissy ass pants who has never had kids in their life.  I'm talking about the people who have never helped raise a child or had any contact with the little fuckers, yet they have the perfect solutions for you to raise your child.  Listen Mr and Mrs asshat, until you have had projectile shit up your arm from your little bundle of joy, or had to pick the battle of them wearing their snow pants to school or having it them in  their fucking backpacks, you will never understand the joys and pains of raising children.  Take your judgments and your self righteous attitudes and shove them so far up your ass your projectile puking ok.

3. The McDonald's and taco bell made me fat crowd.  OMG are you fucking kidding me? Those companies are in the business to make money, yet you want to blame them because you have no fucking self control?  Really how about some personal responsibility, don't fucking eat there!  You can make far healthier versions at home there are millions of food bloggers hell I am one of them I could help your ass.  Either that or just go to fucking subway like Jared did.  The point is holding a company responsible for your poor decisions is like me saying its my surgeon's fault that I gained weight after having gastric bypass.  Please move along your pity party is leaving.

4.  The people who say that society judges them because they are too good looking.  What the fuck are you smoking?  There are people who are ending their lives over being bullied, tormented or whatever, yet we want to hear your take on being too pretty?  I don't fucking think so.  Listen I am sure people have their own assumptions about you to some degree however it pales in comparison to the person who is bullied because they are gay, or fat or black or different from someone else.  Just because you are too pretty doesn't mean that what you have gone through is anywhere near the extent of what others have gone through. If you want people to like you I have an idea get a fucking personality for starters and start talking about something other than your self.

5.  The assholes that sue coffee houses because their coffee is too hot.  Really?  you really want to do that?  Unless you ordered an iced coffee your coffee is going to be hot dip shit!  Even if they fuck up your order and gave you a reg. coffee instead of iced coffee that shit can still be fixed.  I don't know about you but where I come from people like their coffee hot generally speaking.  If the coffee is too hot for your overly sensitive mouth, maybe you could save a few bucks and make your own fucking coffee.  I guess we cant have that happen though because then who would you have to blame when your coffee is too hot?  If you are one of these people its time for you to pack up your shit and move into mommy's house or a place where someone can take care of your ass.  As if anyone ever would because you are fucking too difficult for anyone to deal with.

So there are just a few what the hell moments that I had to share with you.  Common sense is less common today than it has been in my entire life.  All I can think some days when stupid shit happens is its amazing I don't drink.  Have a good one everyone.  Heather

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Ode to My Pajamas

There have always been times in my life when I needed something with staying power.  Something that doesn't flake out because I like to keep my finger nail polish in the fridge, (it prevents clumping and makes your nail polish last longer.)  Doesn't judge you because you like garlic or that you like to sleep in a cold room with tons of covers.  For me that one thing has been my favorite pajamas (see the above picture).  Those pajamas have gone the distance and have stood by me more than most people and are older than my children.  Here is a little history to my pajamas, I bought these at fashion bug (years before they folded up and closed their doors.) the day after I found out was pregnant for my oldest daughter.  February 14th 2002 I found out that indeed I was pregnant for my first child.  My first thought was "I demand a fucking retest on this son of a bitch."  When there was no denying the fact that I indeed was with child, I immediately thought, this is strange I have a strange being growing inside me and I don't even know them yet, true story.  My brain doesn't think like a normal person's I immediately wanted to know this stranger.  February 15th 2002, I needed some retail therapy in the worst way.  I saw these pajamas and knew this is the warm cup of tea that I have been searching for.  I wore these pajamas through my entire pregnancy.  I also worked through my entire pregnancy too.  Hence the reason why I don't like people in general.  Sure I love my friends but overall, people I am not fan of.  On nights at work when I would get the 70th 17 year old kid walking through the store saying " I'm 21 like honestly, just accept my Massivetwoshits driver's license."  My response was always we dont accept out of state id's sorry.  What I wanted to say was you take your spoiled brat attitude and go pound sand mother fucker because one day you will realize daddy's money runs out now get the actual fuck out of the store before I throw you out.  On rough nights like that and more these jammies were a saving grace.  I would go home to my tiny one bedroom apartment, turn on some moby, take a long bubble bath with nothing but candles everywhere and relax and drift away from all the bullshit.  Then put my jammies on and it was like a bad day never happened.  Through a very bad break up that I don't like talking about, to finding my current husband, and through my second pregnancy, these pajamas have been home to me.  Sure there has been a lot that has happened good bad and indifferent since the purchase of these pajamas.  One thing has remained true, I still wear them, they are still just as comforting, and they have no holes but they fill the holes of comfort that without them I wouldn't have.  Of course tripping over the pant legs is a regular occurrence, I can see past that.  Have a great day everyone and ItsamazingIdontdrink.