Monday, February 24, 2014

Elbows, Swamp Donkeys, Dora and Babies



This is not from the elbow incident but the day I found out I was pregnant, I beat his ass!

  Traditionally in life you meet a man, go on a few dates, get engaged, get married and then have the children.  Not me, I like a good challenge and never in my life did I ever choose the easy way......for anything.  An example of this according to my mother, because I cannot remember this far back, I learned to walk before I could crawl..... choices.  I always chose the most difficult path and work my way back to easy.  So having a child before marriage is typical Heather.
  I never went to bars because quite frankly that wasn't my thing plus  if I wanted to get dirty and sweaty and then lose my shit for a while, I can just try to clean up after my daughter.  I also felt and still feel that bars are over priced fuckery.  The one time I did go on a date, the asshole says after I tell him I have a child " so your looking for a baby daddy."  I got up out of my chair and walked out the door and came home.  On the way home is when I really thought up all the good shit to say back to him like, "wow with a come on like that you must be laid.... a lot."  And my personal favorite it "I don't need a baby daddy, you need to find the goddamn gutter from which you came you googly eyed, swamp donkey."
  After that disastrous date if you could even call it one, I decided to keep my ass home and surf the net.  Now I will be honest with you, I do not recommend this for anyone because quite frankly there are more googly eyed swamp donkeys lurking on the computer sending out pictures of male models and passing them off as their own pictures.  However I don't take the easy road in anything I do in life and I am always up for the challenge.  So AOL chat rooms here I come!  With all the gusto and determination of a jack rabbit, I tore that shit up, in a metaphorical way.  I became friends with a lot of regulars and you could tell the people that were legit from the ones who wanted a "special phone call."  I met this guy Kevin, he's a really nice man and to this day I keep in touch with him.  I was off this particular day and I was just shooting the shit with Kevin, my daughter was watching Dora.  Halfway listening to the obnoxious "swiper no swiping" I heard a word I mistook for a a bung hole.  I told Kevin that Dora is officially not allowed in my house after that.  In comes this man he went under the handle Setdhooktx, he read the conversation and quickly educated me that it wasn't a bung hole I heard but abajo Spanish for below.  After my spanish lesson I learned a lot about this man whose name is Toby.  We talked on the phone once and like God was answering his prayers,he sent Toby flying over 30 stairs leading from his mother's front door.  He busted up his elbow and he claims to this day it was an omen, I say it was God's way of saying get your shit together.  Whatever it was we were together for 3 years talking on the phone every night.  He was in Colorado and I in Maine so it wasn't like we could visit much. Long story short, after a busted up elbow, Dora telling my kids to say inappropriate things, and 3 years of dealing with a stubborn ass Yankee  woman as he likes to call me.  He finally made it here and refused to leave.  As much as I tried to throw that sorry bastard out he wont leave.  So I figured fuck it I might as well marry him.
 Then the fateful day arrived FUCK I found out I was pregnant with another child! All I could think to myself was Its just amazing I don't drink. 

5 comments:

  1. See that photo, folks?

    That's why I say "Yes, ma'am" to Heather - a lot.

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  2. Your sorry bastard is a lucky guy!!

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    1. Thank you Teri, I tell him that all the time. :)

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  3. hahaha...I LOVE IT!!! You know, it always happens like that...I always think of the good shit to say AFTER I leave a situation. I think Toby flying over the stairs was just so he can remember that as woman....we have the ability to kick their assess even from another state. It's all in our brains.....we have super powers, and we will use them if necessary! ;) But seriously....you have a GREAT GUY!!! You just had to wade through some pretty bad weeds to find him! and by weeds I mean fuckholes!

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    1. I know right! I always think of the best things to say after its all said and done. He is a keeper that is for sure and I don't know many men that would wait to even meet me for 3 years but he did. I am so thankful that I dont have to wade through the waters of swamp donkeys and fuckholes anymore!!!

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