Monday, December 8, 2014

Tips for surviving Parking Lot Assholes

Its that time of year again, where your kids want every fucking toy they see.  You buy foods that you would never consider cooking but you figure its the holidays you might as well conjure up your inner Betty Crocker.  Some of you know that I like to cook but even I get overwhelmed this time of year.  It never fucking fails either, stores from here to the Mojave Dessert are full of assholes.  Jackasses that park their fucking fuel effient pieces of shit in a way that takes up two parking spaces like this dip shit in the above picture.  So I thought instead of ranting and raving about this fucking douche bags, I would do something about it.  You all care to join me??

1.  If you are a parent you more than likely will have sidewalk chalk at your disposal.  Draw a circle around the car and make arrows at the car and write Asshole Parking like this:

2.  Find your inner computer geek and type up asshole parking tickets and print a shit ton of them off.  Take them with you wherever you go  and place one of these gems on the windshild. Check off what they violated and all will be right with the world.

3.  Find every fucking cardboard box you can think of break them all down so they are flat and cover that mother fucker's car with them.  Make sure you bring a  lot of them too because the more he or she has to remove cardboard off their car.  

4.   Call up a few close friends, primarily the ones who hate asshole parkers as much as you do and have every single one of them park their cars around the said asshole's car.  I can promise that will be the last damn time this fucker ever thinks about taking up two parking spaces.  

5.  This is my last and personal favorite.  Surround that mother fucker's car with shopping carts.  A shit ton of them. 

 I do not condone spray painting the car or any other forms of vandalizm to someone's car even if they are a fucking douche.  However with these tips you can feel better and not have to rant and rave and you can sit back and enjoy the holidays.  How its meant to be enjoyed with pretty paper, bows, Christmas music in the background and a 5th of something strong.  However I dont drink.  Its amazing I dont drink ! 

Monday, December 1, 2014

Facebook Fuckery

So last week I wrote about all the things not to do on facebook.  This week I am going to give you my personal top 5 of things to have fun with on facebook.  I am calling this facebook fuckery because there will be some people with no sense of humor that will take personal offense to these if you do them.  We all know those people who find everything you do or say offensive even when its not about them.  Annoying asshats I know so lets fuck with them.  Heheheehe follow these tips and sit back and laugh your ass off.

1.  Put your ex's name as the status on your facebook post with no further details.  We all love playing party games and when alcohol is involved all kinds of fun can be had.  The loser of this game has to put their ex's name as their status.  Let the comments begin!

2.  Changing your relationship status for the hell of it.  What you do here is find a random friend on your facebook page and change your relationship status to include them in it.  The fun part is to see who is going to accept your relationship lol.

3.  Like all status, pictures ect. Find a random friend and like all their shit, right down to pictures, like all their random postings ect.  Then go back through and remove all the likes.  What that sorry fucker is left with is a shit ton of notifications and nothing to show for it.  Your welcome. 

4.  Randomly changing your information.  For instance you can change weather or not you are interested in men to women or vise versa or you can change your own gender.  The nosey nells of your friends will have something to talk about, and everyone else will either not give a fuck or they have always known this about you.  Either way its comedy at work people.

5.  Posting randomly and tagging all your friends.  An example of this would be  " I just got laid."  and tagging everyone or certain people in the post.  To make that post more interesting tagging more people is better.  Oh let the fuckery begin!  lol

Ok So there you have em guys.  Go into these waters carefully though, we dont want to see you get fired from your job so tagging your boss in some of these is not a good idea, unless you have one of those bosses with a killer sense of humor, dont do it.  If you want to make it a lot more fun tag someone you know is uptight and nervous all the time.  They will totally lose their shit for real. Have fun everyone.