Friday, March 7, 2014

10 Tips for Dating

Googly Eyed Swamp Donkey

We are going to change gears around here a little bit and I am going to be posting over here once a week instead of every day.  I am just not smart enough to think of shit off the top of my head every day.  Hell, I am lucky that I remember to put on a damn bra everyday and even that can be iffy.
 Even though I am married, I still understand the whole dating scene, I have a lot of single friends and what they are facing when they walk outside their front doors, is nothing more than frightening fuckers one way or another.  Here is my list of warning signs that you may want to consider when you are faced with a flight or fight response, for men and women.

1.  If your date follows you home and is looking through your windows with binoculars.  Run, Don't walk away and better that sorry piece of shit a date with the local police.

2.  If you are on a date and through out your entire date you feel you are competing with a cell phone. At this point you are on a date with a player or some fucked up person who is for lack of a better term socially retarded.

3.  If your date finds imaginary spots on glassware, silverware, or any type of ware.  Hounds your wait person to death about changing dishes out, get the fuck out of there!  This asshole probably takes 2 hours to take a dump they are so uptight.  Get out of there or better yet if your wait person is single and attractive slip them your number with their tip.

4.  If you show up to your date's house and you soon realize that your date has more cats than pet hoarders. Its probably best you come down with a sickness that just suddenly happened.  I love cats but I have 1, anything after about 8 is beyond the scope and no one wants to smell cat shit and get cat hair in their mouth just by simple conversation.  Plus you can never have a conversation with them about their furry little problem because "those are their babies."  

5. If your date makes it very clear to you that everyone you see, they have had sex with including the lady or man at the lunch counter.  Get the hell out of there, for all you know they contracted every std known to man and probably a few the medical profession doesn't know about yet.

6. If your date refers to themselves in the third person, "Fannie would like the crab"  or "Steve would prefer the steak".  That shit is too creepy, just imagine how awkward it would be make out with that person.  "Steve would like you to kiss him."  I cannot go on I just puked in my mouth.  Fuck.

7. If you're on a date with someone who slouches down in the seat, covers their face and basically hides under the steering wheel at a stop light or whenever there is a cop nearby.  Get the fuck out of there!  9 times out of 10 the next time you go to your local post office you will more than likely see a picture of them there.  

8.  If before you go on a date with this person and they call you every 10 minutes for hours on end to make sure you show up.  Do not go on the date!  This person has some issues that I dont even know if Dr. Phil could help them out with.  

9.  If your date only talks about their ex and tells you all the stories about them and their ex and compares you to them.  Run don't walk away.  Chances are they are not over their ex and you would just be a rebound.  Not that it would ever happen because they are too hung up on their ex.

10.  This one is the last one but the most important one of all.  If you go to their house to pick them up and you notice a room that has tons of bulletin boards and all those boards have pictures of women or men that look like you and have similar features and it reminds you of an episode of CSI or Criminal Minds. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!!!!!!! Chances are they are in the business of making lampshades and other decorative household objects out of human skin.  

Some of these things have happened to me and some haven't.  Can you guess which ones?   Oh its amazing I don't drink!  

"Your Date is here."  


  1. Larry likes this post. Larry would like to go on a date with you. Why is wrong for Larry to say he likes steak? Larry does like steak.

    1. I am so happy Larry likes steak, so does Heather's husband. LOL but then again Larry probably knew that.