Monday, April 13, 2015

Office Memo to beat all Office Memos

The other day I was reading something about a local business changing some rules.  One of the rules that I guess annoys some people are body sprays, perfumes and the like.  While some of it I understand, the rest sounded a bit too assholish for lack of a better word.  Now I understand in some businesses perfumes and body sprays should be left at home.  There are some businesses where I feel it should be a personal choice.  I mean if we are going to attack people's personal choices on fragrance, you know it wont just stop there.  We have turned into a country of pleasers.  We all know what happens when you try to please everyone.  It cannot be fucking done, period.  There is no degree of butt hurt that anyone gives a rats ass to.  Someone somewhere is going to bitch and complain because they are fuckholes, and no other reason.  I was inspired to create my own fake company with my own fake rules because listen people!  Today it starts with your personal fragrances, tomorrow what is it going to be your pets, maybe your kids?  

Office Memo:

Effective immediately!  As some of you know we are changing things around at Hannigan Inc.  We have created this list of rules for the betterment of our team.  We at Hannigan Inc. feel in order to better service our clients we must first show proper respect for our teammates. 

1.  Please leave your perfumes, colognes, aftershaves and the like for your days off.  Some people have allergies to these things and we must be sensitive and respectful of our teammates.

2.  Please save your showers for the weekends, no later than Sunday morning and no sooner than Friday evenings.  Because it has come our attention that some of our teammates have strong allergies to these scented products, even the unscented varieties pose a problem  Monday through Friday please refrain from showers or baths.

3.  No smoking on your breaks,lunches, or in your car to work or any part of your work day.  Save your smoking for the weekends.  Studies have shown that smokers are not productive and require more breaks than the average employee.   If you have trouble with this we have resources available anonymously so you can quit without the knowledge of others knowing your problem.

4.  Employees at Hannigan Inc, will be terminated immediately if they have children or are actively caring for another person's child. Studies have shown parents and guardians are not reliable and are less productive.  They miss more time from work, jeopardizing morale of teammates.  If you are currently pregnant or just found out your coworker is with child come to my office immediately so we can look into other forms of employment for said coworker.

5.  We will no longer allow employees to have or own pets.  Unless they are shaved.  Some of our clients have pet allergies and have complained that some of our teammates have sparked an allergy causing them to miss time from their own jobs.  If you cannot shave your pets you will have to give them up to the shelter.  There is a shelter that is more than happy to work with us to help us all.  Every Saturday they will be here in the parking lot from 8 am -4pm and you can drop off your pets then.  

6.  At Hannigan Inc, we understand you have 1 hour for lunch.  Please refrain from these foods at this time:  Seafood of any kind, onions, garlic, salads of any kind, nuts, eggs, or dairy products.  It has come to our attention that many of our fellow teammates and some of our clients have severe allergies.  Please let's be respectful of those allergies.  Our main goal is to provide a healthy work environment after all.

7.  Please do not launder your work clothes.  Our fellow coworkers have a hard time with laundry soaps and such so much so that even the scent free soaps have become a problem.  So out of respect for our fellow teammates do not wash, or launder the clothes you wear to work.  Also please store said work clothes separately from all other clothing, to ensure they are scent free.

8.  It is imperative you keep a clean and neat appearance at all times.  We do not want to offend our clients or fellow coworkers.

9.  As some of you are aware of we have had to make some cut backs.  Unfortunately the electric bills in the summer are so high, we have to eliminate the use of the air conditioners this summer.  No personal desktop fans will be allowed either.  

10.  No drinking alcohol on non work hours through the business week.  You may drink your adult beverages on Friday evening and on Saturday.  No alcohol Sunday morning through Friday afternoon.  

These rules will be strictly enforced and violators will be terminated immediately.  Thank you for working with us and remember as always, we are a team.  Let's all be respectful of one another.  


Agetha Hannigan 
Ceo of Hannigan Inc.

This is what we are coming to ladies and gentlemen its only a matter of time before you have to shave your cat and not take a shower.  Itsamazingidontdrink.  

Take care, Heather

Thursday, March 19, 2015


There have been a few things on my mind that I feel I must share with you.  After all it wouldn't be in my nature if I didn't.  I will try not to make this post too ranty and ravy however some of these things I am about to share with you piss me off and the rest I am left with a puzzled what the hell look on my face.  

What the Hell Moments to Live by:

1. You met him or her at a certain place and now your all pissed because that is what they do.  An example would be you met your man or woman at a strip club and now you have an issue with them stripping?  Ummm what the hell fuck face?  If you don't want that life maybe you should have called it what it was and moved on.  This also works for the chicks who meet a guy in a bar and have issues with him going to the bar.  Umm exactly what part of you met him in a bar you don't understand?

2.  Mr or Mrs prissy ass pants who has never had kids in their life.  I'm talking about the people who have never helped raise a child or had any contact with the little fuckers, yet they have the perfect solutions for you to raise your child.  Listen Mr and Mrs asshat, until you have had projectile shit up your arm from your little bundle of joy, or had to pick the battle of them wearing their snow pants to school or having it them in  their fucking backpacks, you will never understand the joys and pains of raising children.  Take your judgments and your self righteous attitudes and shove them so far up your ass your projectile puking ok.

3. The McDonald's and taco bell made me fat crowd.  OMG are you fucking kidding me? Those companies are in the business to make money, yet you want to blame them because you have no fucking self control?  Really how about some personal responsibility, don't fucking eat there!  You can make far healthier versions at home there are millions of food bloggers hell I am one of them I could help your ass.  Either that or just go to fucking subway like Jared did.  The point is holding a company responsible for your poor decisions is like me saying its my surgeon's fault that I gained weight after having gastric bypass.  Please move along your pity party is leaving.

4.  The people who say that society judges them because they are too good looking.  What the fuck are you smoking?  There are people who are ending their lives over being bullied, tormented or whatever, yet we want to hear your take on being too pretty?  I don't fucking think so.  Listen I am sure people have their own assumptions about you to some degree however it pales in comparison to the person who is bullied because they are gay, or fat or black or different from someone else.  Just because you are too pretty doesn't mean that what you have gone through is anywhere near the extent of what others have gone through. If you want people to like you I have an idea get a fucking personality for starters and start talking about something other than your self.

5.  The assholes that sue coffee houses because their coffee is too hot.  Really?  you really want to do that?  Unless you ordered an iced coffee your coffee is going to be hot dip shit!  Even if they fuck up your order and gave you a reg. coffee instead of iced coffee that shit can still be fixed.  I don't know about you but where I come from people like their coffee hot generally speaking.  If the coffee is too hot for your overly sensitive mouth, maybe you could save a few bucks and make your own fucking coffee.  I guess we cant have that happen though because then who would you have to blame when your coffee is too hot?  If you are one of these people its time for you to pack up your shit and move into mommy's house or a place where someone can take care of your ass.  As if anyone ever would because you are fucking too difficult for anyone to deal with.

So there are just a few what the hell moments that I had to share with you.  Common sense is less common today than it has been in my entire life.  All I can think some days when stupid shit happens is its amazing I don't drink.  Have a good one everyone.  Heather

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Ode to My Pajamas

There have always been times in my life when I needed something with staying power.  Something that doesn't flake out because I like to keep my finger nail polish in the fridge, (it prevents clumping and makes your nail polish last longer.)  Doesn't judge you because you like garlic or that you like to sleep in a cold room with tons of covers.  For me that one thing has been my favorite pajamas (see the above picture).  Those pajamas have gone the distance and have stood by me more than most people and are older than my children.  Here is a little history to my pajamas, I bought these at fashion bug (years before they folded up and closed their doors.) the day after I found out was pregnant for my oldest daughter.  February 14th 2002 I found out that indeed I was pregnant for my first child.  My first thought was "I demand a fucking retest on this son of a bitch."  When there was no denying the fact that I indeed was with child, I immediately thought, this is strange I have a strange being growing inside me and I don't even know them yet, true story.  My brain doesn't think like a normal person's I immediately wanted to know this stranger.  February 15th 2002, I needed some retail therapy in the worst way.  I saw these pajamas and knew this is the warm cup of tea that I have been searching for.  I wore these pajamas through my entire pregnancy.  I also worked through my entire pregnancy too.  Hence the reason why I don't like people in general.  Sure I love my friends but overall, people I am not fan of.  On nights at work when I would get the 70th 17 year old kid walking through the store saying " I'm 21 like honestly, just accept my Massivetwoshits driver's license."  My response was always we dont accept out of state id's sorry.  What I wanted to say was you take your spoiled brat attitude and go pound sand mother fucker because one day you will realize daddy's money runs out now get the actual fuck out of the store before I throw you out.  On rough nights like that and more these jammies were a saving grace.  I would go home to my tiny one bedroom apartment, turn on some moby, take a long bubble bath with nothing but candles everywhere and relax and drift away from all the bullshit.  Then put my jammies on and it was like a bad day never happened.  Through a very bad break up that I don't like talking about, to finding my current husband, and through my second pregnancy, these pajamas have been home to me.  Sure there has been a lot that has happened good bad and indifferent since the purchase of these pajamas.  One thing has remained true, I still wear them, they are still just as comforting, and they have no holes but they fill the holes of comfort that without them I wouldn't have.  Of course tripping over the pant legs is a regular occurrence, I can see past that.  Have a great day everyone and ItsamazingIdontdrink.


Monday, December 8, 2014

Tips for surviving Parking Lot Assholes

Its that time of year again, where your kids want every fucking toy they see.  You buy foods that you would never consider cooking but you figure its the holidays you might as well conjure up your inner Betty Crocker.  Some of you know that I like to cook but even I get overwhelmed this time of year.  It never fucking fails either, stores from here to the Mojave Dessert are full of assholes.  Jackasses that park their fucking fuel effient pieces of shit in a way that takes up two parking spaces like this dip shit in the above picture.  So I thought instead of ranting and raving about this fucking douche bags, I would do something about it.  You all care to join me??

1.  If you are a parent you more than likely will have sidewalk chalk at your disposal.  Draw a circle around the car and make arrows at the car and write Asshole Parking like this:

2.  Find your inner computer geek and type up asshole parking tickets and print a shit ton of them off.  Take them with you wherever you go  and place one of these gems on the windshild. Check off what they violated and all will be right with the world.

3.  Find every fucking cardboard box you can think of break them all down so they are flat and cover that mother fucker's car with them.  Make sure you bring a  lot of them too because the more he or she has to remove cardboard off their car.  

4.   Call up a few close friends, primarily the ones who hate asshole parkers as much as you do and have every single one of them park their cars around the said asshole's car.  I can promise that will be the last damn time this fucker ever thinks about taking up two parking spaces.  

5.  This is my last and personal favorite.  Surround that mother fucker's car with shopping carts.  A shit ton of them. 

 I do not condone spray painting the car or any other forms of vandalizm to someone's car even if they are a fucking douche.  However with these tips you can feel better and not have to rant and rave and you can sit back and enjoy the holidays.  How its meant to be enjoyed with pretty paper, bows, Christmas music in the background and a 5th of something strong.  However I dont drink.  Its amazing I dont drink ! 

Monday, December 1, 2014

Facebook Fuckery

So last week I wrote about all the things not to do on facebook.  This week I am going to give you my personal top 5 of things to have fun with on facebook.  I am calling this facebook fuckery because there will be some people with no sense of humor that will take personal offense to these if you do them.  We all know those people who find everything you do or say offensive even when its not about them.  Annoying asshats I know so lets fuck with them.  Heheheehe follow these tips and sit back and laugh your ass off.

1.  Put your ex's name as the status on your facebook post with no further details.  We all love playing party games and when alcohol is involved all kinds of fun can be had.  The loser of this game has to put their ex's name as their status.  Let the comments begin!

2.  Changing your relationship status for the hell of it.  What you do here is find a random friend on your facebook page and change your relationship status to include them in it.  The fun part is to see who is going to accept your relationship lol.

3.  Like all status, pictures ect. Find a random friend and like all their shit, right down to pictures, like all their random postings ect.  Then go back through and remove all the likes.  What that sorry fucker is left with is a shit ton of notifications and nothing to show for it.  Your welcome. 

4.  Randomly changing your information.  For instance you can change weather or not you are interested in men to women or vise versa or you can change your own gender.  The nosey nells of your friends will have something to talk about, and everyone else will either not give a fuck or they have always known this about you.  Either way its comedy at work people.

5.  Posting randomly and tagging all your friends.  An example of this would be  " I just got laid."  and tagging everyone or certain people in the post.  To make that post more interesting tagging more people is better.  Oh let the fuckery begin!  lol

Ok So there you have em guys.  Go into these waters carefully though, we dont want to see you get fired from your job so tagging your boss in some of these is not a good idea, unless you have one of those bosses with a killer sense of humor, dont do it.  If you want to make it a lot more fun tag someone you know is uptight and nervous all the time.  They will totally lose their shit for real. Have fun everyone.


Monday, November 24, 2014

Top 5 of Facebook, Yeah you shouldn't have done that

I have been noticing smart people making really fucking stupid choices when it comes to Facebook. Now is it my business what they do?  No however if they were to ask for anyone's opinion before making these grave choices I bet they would be met with a resounding FUCK NO!  So in this post today I am going to start off by giving you the top 5 no nos when it comes to facebook. I could probably write a novel but this just the fuck ups I see on a regular basis.  So here are the top 5 Dont's to facebook according to me.

1.  Letting someone take over your whole Facebook account. 
 Are you fucking stupid? Do you just want to get thrown off Facebook because if you do then go ahead and let someone take it over.  If you are really that fucking lazy that you need someone to take over for you, just fucking delete your account.  Not only are you allowing them to stalk all your friends but you are giving them way too much control.  Hey dont blame me if your mom calls you and says "what is this I hear about you blowing trannies?"  I tried to warn you, dumbass.

2. Friending people for the "entertainment" of it.  I get it I have been there we always seem to have those "friends" that have more issues than People magazine, however when the amusement goes away and it will, they will fucking drive you insane with their non stop bitching and moaning. Let them fucking go, chances are they dont give a fuck if you are friends with them or not just as long as they have that small group of friends that says, "awwww I am so sorry that happened to you."  Meanwhile they are thinking "omg bitch please, life is what you make it, obviously misery got your company." 

3. Posting cryptic messages without giving any further details and saying shit like "well I don't want to post it all on here."  Keep in mind yes I am guilty of this one and I understand people need to vent that is fine.  However I see it more than I want to of people talking about someone dying and not saying who it is or whatever.  Listen if you dont want to put it on facebook then guess what dumbass?  DONT FUCKING PUT IT ON FACEBOOK EVEN A LITTLE BIT! Really you have to go all or nothing with that shit.  We live in a world today that there are family members spread out by thousands of miles, to put out there some innuendo that could potential be about your family and give no details, makes you an asshole.  

4.  Friending your parents. Omg dont do it you stupid fucks.  Unless of course you are 12 years old and still need monitoring.  Or you have the type of parents that understand completely what Facebook is all about.  If you are in the percentage that have parents who have no clue about facebook its best to not go there.  You dont want your facebook posts to be the topic of every holiday family get together do you?

5.  Complaining that no one comments back to you or likes your statuses.  Now I will say as a blogger both food and doing this blog its imperative to get likes just so people who want to see your shit gets to actually see it.  However if you just are on facebook to connect with old friends and see what is going on their lives and you bitch and moan about people not commenting back, either you dont understand how facebook works or your an attention whore.  The truth of the matter is its not polite or impolite to not comment back.  Shit happens in our real life that causes us to not be strapped down by the chains of facebook.  I know its amazing but it does happen from time to time.  Not everyone is going to be able to read your post either.  Sometimes that new
sfeed is so fast that I cannot keep up so I do real life things, like I dont know take a fucking walk.  Play with my kids or help them with homework.  So please do not jump on my shit if I either dont comment right back to you or like all your shit.  Chances are I have a fucking life, and when I am not busy I will get back to you. 

So there you have em folks the top 5 fuck ups that even your's truly is guilty of from time to time too. 
Stay tuned for the next blog post, the Top 5 Facebook Fuckery will be coming your way next week.  Until then all , itsamazingidontdrink.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The Legend of the Snow Midget

The Snow Midget

A long time ago back when my blended family was in its infancy, the snow midget was born.  He walked for miles but always had to stay in the freezing cold because well.... he was made of snow.  He didn't bring presents or candy he brought chips, salsa and beer.  Lots of beer.  Of course it was root beer, because well we aren't a bunch of drunks ya know. He landed on my back door on our first snow together as a family.  Riding on my daughter's barbie bike and he was wearing her hat and scarf.  None the less my daughter loved him.  She thought he was so funny.  As her and her father were building him from what little bit of snow we got that first snow, I thought to myself, self that is one ugly ass snow man.  However it made my little girl happy and that is all that really matters.  Hilarity did ensue when my husband scurried around the back yard looking for patches of snow to build him.  Toby hardly dressed for the weather and back then he had a lot more hair too, was turning red in the face and on the hands.  The snow midget took them most of the afternoon to build and when I say them, I mean mostly Toby lol.  What can I say he loves that little girl. 

As the snow midget was being built they realized he isn't going to have much character just being a small snow midget so we gave him a motorcycle , a pink one.  Found some sticks for hands and legs and now the snow midget has style.  I would put him on pintrest with instructions on how to make him but I don't want to brag about my daughter and husband's genius skill building. 

After he was built, root beers, chips and salsa for everyone and then they all took naps.  I guess an afternoon of snow midget building was hard work and that snow midget hung out with us all winter long.  Christmas eve we decorated his bike with some tinsel and a couple of ornaments.  This is just one of the funner times of living in a climate where it snows.  Because you yourself can build yourself a snow midget and he can have his very own adventures.  Like the time my daughter took his legs off to sword fight with one of her other friends.  They put his limbs back when they were finished playing and the snow midget was very happy they did.  

However if your snow midget ever tries to come inside your house or starts peeking through your windows its probably best to get some hot water send that snow midget to snow midget heaven.  No I am not drunk as I am writing this and yes its amazing I don't drink.  

Snow midget be ridin