Thursday, February 27, 2014

Laptop Terminator

Bailey the Terminator Covered in Green marker

As my youngest child started to show parts of her personality, I knew she is going to be her own person.  Even as baby, before words she was so funny.  Always expressive and always very independent.  I was told by a very loved family member the more independent the child, the bigger messes they make.  Boy oh boy was that family member right on!  My youngest daughter was such a smart ass, she refused to say mom or dad as her first words.  Her first word was "yeah".  Not the yeah you would say in agreement but "yeah" let's raise hell. 
As she got older and more mobile, more talkative she became a one child wrecking ball.  We would be cleaning up one of her messes just to run after her to clean up another one.  People would assume that there was no way she had just a matter of minutes to make half the messes she made but she did and I have witnesses.  However nothing got more of a beating than my husband's laptop.  His stepfather worked for IBM at the time and was able to score him a refurbished company laptop.  From the word go my daughter thought of that laptop as a challenge.  She tried every fucking substance known to man and even if it wasn't man made, shit she was going to invent that mother fucker.  She got into trouble, had toys taken away from her and was made to help clean it up and spent some time in time out.  Nothing was stopping her, she was determined this machine had to die. Below is a list and it reads as a grocery list, I can promise you its not groceries but in fact all the liquid she used:

  • Coffee-done
  • Soda x 20 - you got it
  • Fingernail Polish remover- Hell Yeah
  • Aloe after-sun lotion- no brainer
  • Hair Dangler - fuck yeah
  • H2o-yeah x30
  • Fingernail Polish-colorful but not deadly
  • Mayo - who needs a salad when you have a laptop
  • Bubble Bath- scrub a dub dub
  • Bubbles x 200 - Dead as a door nail
Its a good thing she is so damn cute and I love her to tips of her little toes to the ends of her hair, because its amazing I don't drink.

Not happy she got into trouble for cutting her bangs

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Mother Shaming

Today I am going to be straight up 100 percent honest with you.  After I had my youngest daughter, I had a very mild case of post postpartum depression.  Right after she was born I had a hard time bonding with her.  This only lasted for about week.  However it scared the hell out of me.  Made me feel like a terrible person and mother.  Another thing that knocked me off my "mommy" pedestal was I couldn't breast feed her. My breasts just were not working and my milk never came in, hell my colostrum never came in.  All of these things combined, made me feel less than anyone.  I was jealous of the moms that never had an issue with either and never understood my plight.  Moms in general have a very bad attitude towards other mothers who cannot do something that they take for granted is so easy for them.  I felt like an outcast and I felt like I didn't deserve my daughter.  I blamed myself for every thing, if she was fussy it was my fault, if she was crying it was my fault.  Hell sometimes being so fucking tired of being up all night with her I would cry with her.  After all there wasn't much else I could do.  No one understood me, not even me.  I heard the typical "how do you know you cannot breast feed if you don't try."  Believe me I tried and failed many times nothing was working and my daughter needed to eat so formula was a God send.  Yes I am not an uneducated prick that doesn't understand breast is best but I couldn't do it period.  I am saying and admitting all things because its ok if you are in the same situation, you have to do what is best for you and baby, not what is right for the rest of the Goddamned world!  I can promise you too all these mommy bitches out there that are trying to shame you, they don't feel so fucking perfect either.  They are jumping on you to make themselves feel better because they can do what you cannot or what your body cannot.  Do not let them catty bitches get to you!  There are going to be times through raising your kids that these typical bitches are going to have opinions on your life and the life of your kids constantly.  Your kids will do something that their kids may never do and I am here to tell you its ok!  Kids are like fingerprints and they are each unique like fingerprints.  No two kids from the same parents are alike.  Its impossible.  So even though your kid may be the last kid to learn how to walk, talk, or be potty trained, does not make you any less of a kick ass mother!  Being a mother is tough, it would be so much better if as mothers we listened to one another instead of accuse one another.  We try to help more and hurt less, we stop SHAMING other mothers for fuck's sake we are in this together!  Isn't that what girl power is all about?  As a side note who the fuck died and left this catty bitches in charge of the mother's self righteous group where everyone has to follow them or get off the fucking horse altogether!  All I am saying is we need to be supportive to one another, raise either up instead of trying haul everyone down.  I am here to tell you right now if your a new mom, hell even if you are not but still having some problems with your kids, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!  Speak up we are all not perfect but we do the best we can with what we have every day!  A rough patch today will be a lesson learned tomorrow.  Spilled milk today will be thrown out with tomorrow's trash.  We will get through it, and I believe if we became more supportive and less judgmental of one another, it will make our journey less stressful and our relationships more meaningful.  So if you know a struggling mom, offer her support even if it means just another set of ears to listen to.  Sometimes that is all we need.  We need to be part of the solution and less of the problem.  With the statistics that show men don't live as long as women do, don't you think we should start the foundation with female friendships now?  What we choose to see outside our windows is only as clean as our windows from which we see from.  Talk to you tomorrow guys!  Its amazing I don't drink.

Bailey when she was 1 day old 

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Blizzards, whoopie pies, and Hormones

Every person is different, every child is different and so is every pregnancy.  There is no paint by numbers, cookie cutter, one size fits all answer to anything that life throws at us.  If you don't know that by now, have a couple of children and you will soon find out a couple of things.  The first being, you are never as smart as you think you are and the second being sometimes there are no solutions, so just do the best you can and fuck all the opinions out there.  My second pregnancy was way different from my first, the first pregnancy I had an upset stomach from time to time, but I could handle it.  When I was pregnant for baby number 2, I was full on puking all day every day for hours.  Moments I thought I was hungry all I wanted was crackers and ginger ale.  Then being hot all day every day, windows had to be on and open 24-7.  Doesn't sound so bad except it was in the middle of December.  When you take a look around and you see your husband and daughter all bundled up, like they were going outside to make snow forts or some shit, and you are sitting there in shorts and a tank top complaining of the heat.  Your ass might be pregnant or you have a major drug problem and you need to get that shit looked at either way.
 Another difference in the two pregnancies was with the first baby, I craved EVERYTHING and I made no apologies for it either.  Baby number two was different, all I craved when I wasn't puking my guts out, was whoopie pies.  See the picture above for those of you who don't know what they are.
 Our little bundle of joy was not due out of the oven until February.  We live in Maine so our winters can be brutal at times.  There was this one day when I was craving whoopie pies at 8pm at night and our state was in lock down because the snow was verging on epic.  Looking out our kitchen window we couldn't see anything that was a foot in front of us.  However when these cravings hit, if they are not taken care of in timely fashion, full on mood swing will appear and your husband/boyfriend or family member will get the brunt of it.
Even though he didn't want to, Toby ventured out in this record breaking storm to hunt down none other than whoopie pies.  After about 2 hours he made it home safe and sound and had about a case with him.  He proceeded to tell me about his adventure going from all over our city trying to find whoopie pies.  I thanked him so much for his bravery, after all his youngest child depended on it.  He went to one store and they were all out of them, he got back in his truck and drove to the next spot and they were out of them.  He drove all over town, went to every convenience store, grocery store and market in the whole county and everyone was out of fucking whoopie pies!  Finally he hit a little store that was just minutes from our house and low and behold they had them.  After he raided all the whoopie pies paid for them and came home.  He walked into the house like the abominable snowman, he was covered in snow, cheeks red from it being so cold out and a huge bag of whoopie pies.  I say to him " Toby I only wanted 1."  With an angry look on his face his response to me is " Its a fucking mess out there, I almost went off the road two times, I am not getting back out there in this shit, I have no idea how long this is supposed to last, and you will get cravings tomorrow and the next day until you have this fucking kid, so I bought every fucking last one to last a while, shut the hell up and eat your fucking whoopie pie!"  I could tell that it probably wasn't the right moment to bring up the fact we were out of milk after a while you can learn from the cues your spouse gives you.  So I did I kept my mouth shut and ate my whoopie pie.  Took a nap, woke up and puked again. That night when Toby laid down to go to sleep a thought ran through his head all it kept saying like a broken record is "Its amazing I am not drunk."

Here are some pictures:  

February 1st 2007 Bailey Elizabeth was born

Toby had hair and our lives as we knew it would be over!

Monday, February 24, 2014

Elbows, Swamp Donkeys, Dora and Babies

This is not from the elbow incident but the day I found out I was pregnant, I beat his ass!

  Traditionally in life you meet a man, go on a few dates, get engaged, get married and then have the children.  Not me, I like a good challenge and never in my life did I ever choose the easy way......for anything.  An example of this according to my mother, because I cannot remember this far back, I learned to walk before I could crawl..... choices.  I always chose the most difficult path and work my way back to easy.  So having a child before marriage is typical Heather.
  I never went to bars because quite frankly that wasn't my thing plus  if I wanted to get dirty and sweaty and then lose my shit for a while, I can just try to clean up after my daughter.  I also felt and still feel that bars are over priced fuckery.  The one time I did go on a date, the asshole says after I tell him I have a child " so your looking for a baby daddy."  I got up out of my chair and walked out the door and came home.  On the way home is when I really thought up all the good shit to say back to him like, "wow with a come on like that you must be laid.... a lot."  And my personal favorite it "I don't need a baby daddy, you need to find the goddamn gutter from which you came you googly eyed, swamp donkey."
  After that disastrous date if you could even call it one, I decided to keep my ass home and surf the net.  Now I will be honest with you, I do not recommend this for anyone because quite frankly there are more googly eyed swamp donkeys lurking on the computer sending out pictures of male models and passing them off as their own pictures.  However I don't take the easy road in anything I do in life and I am always up for the challenge.  So AOL chat rooms here I come!  With all the gusto and determination of a jack rabbit, I tore that shit up, in a metaphorical way.  I became friends with a lot of regulars and you could tell the people that were legit from the ones who wanted a "special phone call."  I met this guy Kevin, he's a really nice man and to this day I keep in touch with him.  I was off this particular day and I was just shooting the shit with Kevin, my daughter was watching Dora.  Halfway listening to the obnoxious "swiper no swiping" I heard a word I mistook for a a bung hole.  I told Kevin that Dora is officially not allowed in my house after that.  In comes this man he went under the handle Setdhooktx, he read the conversation and quickly educated me that it wasn't a bung hole I heard but abajo Spanish for below.  After my spanish lesson I learned a lot about this man whose name is Toby.  We talked on the phone once and like God was answering his prayers,he sent Toby flying over 30 stairs leading from his mother's front door.  He busted up his elbow and he claims to this day it was an omen, I say it was God's way of saying get your shit together.  Whatever it was we were together for 3 years talking on the phone every night.  He was in Colorado and I in Maine so it wasn't like we could visit much. Long story short, after a busted up elbow, Dora telling my kids to say inappropriate things, and 3 years of dealing with a stubborn ass Yankee  woman as he likes to call me.  He finally made it here and refused to leave.  As much as I tried to throw that sorry bastard out he wont leave.  So I figured fuck it I might as well marry him.
 Then the fateful day arrived FUCK I found out I was pregnant with another child! All I could think to myself was Its just amazing I don't drink. 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Baby Powder Incident

Before I get into today's post I want to thank you all for your support.  When I first started toying with the idea of creating another blog, I wasn't exactly sure how it would be received if at all. So thank you very much!
 Being a single mom in the toddler years it was a learning experience.  For example when laying on the couch with said toddler it isn't wise to try to pick up one of their toys to hand it to them.  Sure its all innocent and fun at first until you bang your heads together, ironically enough there were no brilliant ideas just a black eye for mom to wear to work.  I would love to say this is the first and only time having a toddler in the house was painful.  However there have been times when in a pitch black bed room, in the middle of the night you startle awake only to see big blue eyes staring back at you with no expression on their face.  Very reminiscent to Poltergeist.  Of course I went flying from my bed screaming like crazed woman, and it sent my daughter screaming for dear life too. After all she never saw the movie.  She is now 11 and still wont because I am that mom that doesn't let her kids do anything apparently.  Also its probably a wise idea to never and I mean NEVER, turn your back for a second.  Even if you have a full view of them, they are quick little suckers and can make a toy out of everything.  Baby powder is no exception to this rule.  Baby powder is so fun it goes everywhere, you can wear it, just refer to the picture above and it makes for great household decoration.  Just look at the wonderful art work mine did to my couch

Needless to say we were still cleaning out baby powder when we got rid of the old blue bomb.  Hey at least it smelled nice.  As quick as hiccup your toddler has so much possibility and can accomplish it in such little time.  The Olympics have nothing on a toddler.  
Although I wouldn't trade those years for anything in the world there are moments where I slam the soft spot in my head on the freezer door.  I am reminded of all the times I had slammed that very same soft spot, on the frame of my two door car getting my toddler in and out of her car seat, and hearing her non stop laughter about it.  It hurts just as much today as it did the very first time I did it.  Guess what that same child will still laugh hysterically when I hurt my head.  
At the end of the day when your toddler is sleeping, its time for mom to put ice on the black eye, maybe turn on the bathroom light so at least its not pitch black, clean up the baby powder and unwind.  Also its a good time to think to yourself "oh lord what in the world will tomorrow bring?"  And to always say to yourself before drifting off to sleep, its amazing I don't drink.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Another Lifetime ago, I was a Single Mother

We are back again, now I will have to tell you that I was a single mother before I was married. I will make a confession to you all, there is no such thing as perfection when your new born beautiful bundle of joy projectile shits from your wrist to your elbow while changing diapers.  I know that being a parent has changed my life in many profound ways, but none are more profound than the constant urge pull out your hair most.  Do not get me wrong I love my children with everything I have.  Honestly though, no one ever tells you there are going to be days where they are peeing, pooping, puking, screeching bundles of joy.  And that is just me.... imagine what that poor baby must think.  As a single mom I got to experience the joys of mother hood, and father hood all at once.  I guess its a good thing I went through that though because it really made me get real about what I was wanting in a relationship....... at the time I lusted after jack... Jack Daniels that is.  However I shook off that urge because I had a little tiny person to take care of and no one has time for that shit. My daughter was like clock work if I took too much time taking a shower, eating, talking on the phone, grocery shopping, whatever it was she would wake up from naps, or just holler at me until I got her out of her crib.  My daughter from a very young age trained me to be her mom, I know that sounds so funny and silly and verging on ridiculous but its true.  When you are the child's end all and be all of parents its like a Adhd every single minute of the day ..... oh the fun.  Just when you think yes!  I have time to wash dishes... wait.. what dishes? Who the fuck gets excited about that?  I did that is who,  any little pocket of time I could get. Where I could be a grown person for a minute I took it.  That was soon taken care of very quickly by the screaming child.  Then you had the wonderful family members, and you know who they are.  The ones who give you unsolicited advice and explaining to you how if you only got married or found someone it would make everything magically better, financially and other wise.While I understood the idea of it and in a perfect world yes it would be nice to find Mr Prince Charming, that isn't reality.  I think at that time in my life the last damn thing I needed was another whiny grown person in life. Hell I was whiny enough I didn't need anyone else to help it along. After all I whined better than my infant daughter did.  Then you have the people who think because they are married and you are not somehow that makes them better parents. They are easy to spot, normally the dad is wearing crocs and every Saturday night he dresses up like Marge at the "club." Not that there is anything wrong with that to each his own.  I just dont believe on bashing on anyone, you know the saying its something about shoes, and walking.  I am sorry after I hear the word shoes my mind goes blank and all I can think of are my favorite ones. However I think I did pretty well on my own.  I worked hard, my daughter went to day care and at the end of the night it was just her and I. I loved those times, I would be rocking her in my rocking chair, singing twinkle twinkle little star and she would doze off.  Such a sweet moment until the quiet of the evening was broken with a larger than life fart and my arm gets warm.. Yup its time for another shitty diaper change.  It was at that moment I realized two things one this is going to require a bath and two Its amazing I do not drink.  

Thank you all for stopping by and read my ramblings.


Friday, February 21, 2014

I am not just a One Trick Pony

Welcome to my new blog.  Now some of you may know me by my recipes on youtube and on but I am not just a one trick pony.  I have been writing short stories, and keeping a journal since I was in the 3rd grade.  See that little blond haired girl in the picture, that is me when I was 2 years old.  All sweet and kind but full of hell and you would never know by looking at that little chubby face but it all was about to change. Before I begin to tell you the main purpose for this blog I should explain that every day of my life is a sitcom.  I have two spirited children that are exactly like me in very different ways.  I will tell you all the escapades we go through here and try to keep it comical for your entertainment purposes. However I cannot begin to tell you our family story without first telling you all where it all began. You guessed it, me.  Now when I was little I was very sweet however I grew up.  I have had my share of experiences.  Nothing compares to the time I decided to take a greyhound bus to West Virginia, a place I have never been to meet someone I have never met.  All I can say is after that trip I do believe in God because I thank my lucky stars the person I went to meet was not a crazed lunatic.  I took the bus alone.  Now to some of you city dwellers this is no big deal.  However I grew up in a very small town where everyone knew everyone, and it was normal for the youth to be naive to the dangers that lurks outside our city limits. So because I believed all that people were good, I saw no problem being in my early twenties... traveling.... by bus..... alone.  This was going to be about a two to three day adventure for me and quite frankly it was.  I knew I was no longer in Kansas anymore when we had a 4 hour lay over in the New York City Port Authority and I saw a man pee in a trash can and come back to the same trash can and look through it.  After being on the bus for about a day I was hungry and thirsty and so very tired.  I saw a soda machine and wanted to buy myself a Snapple, however being hungry, tired and thirsty I didn't see the sign on the machine that said out of product.  The machine had no problems taking two dollars though and all to my embarrassment I see two men about my age, rather nice looking laughing their ever loving asses off at me.  Yeah I can laugh about it now but my face turned 50 shades of red that night.  When I finally made it to my destination it was relief for sure.  We had fun we went to the movies, had wings at a bar, and he was so thoughtful he let me buy him and his roommates groceries, a real catch he was.  However if that was the worst I could handle it.  After being there for about a week it was time to come home.  I was feeling like an experienced traveler at this point. It wasn't until we hit Maryland and this lady was sitting next to me and she was telling me how things like parenting has changed since she had her kids.  She told me many heart warming stories like the time her kids were fighting and she locked them in closets.  She proceeded to tell me back in those days you could do that and she did along with not feeding them when they were in trouble.  It was that moment when I thought to myself "self, you are better off just not saying a word, just smile and nod Heather, just smile and nod."  To this day that is how I get through uncomfortable situations, smiling and nodding, unless of course my husband pisses me off but that is for another day.  Needless to say I did make it back to my small town in one piece and that was the first time that I ever felt grateful for being from a small town. As I think back to that time in my life, I am scared because you know the curse that every mother puts on her children and my mother was no different, you know the one your mother always says to you when you have messed up.  " One day when you have kids I hope you have 2 just like you."  Yeah my mom is loving the fact that for her it has come true.  I am sure she always thought to herself too at the end of the day when I was in bed sleeping, its amazing I don't drink.  

Come back again for more twisted tales of life with Heather and her kids!

Thank you for stopping by:  Heather