Monday, April 13, 2015

Office Memo to beat all Office Memos

The other day I was reading something about a local business changing some rules.  One of the rules that I guess annoys some people are body sprays, perfumes and the like.  While some of it I understand, the rest sounded a bit too assholish for lack of a better word.  Now I understand in some businesses perfumes and body sprays should be left at home.  There are some businesses where I feel it should be a personal choice.  I mean if we are going to attack people's personal choices on fragrance, you know it wont just stop there.  We have turned into a country of pleasers.  We all know what happens when you try to please everyone.  It cannot be fucking done, period.  There is no degree of butt hurt that anyone gives a rats ass to.  Someone somewhere is going to bitch and complain because they are fuckholes, and no other reason.  I was inspired to create my own fake company with my own fake rules because listen people!  Today it starts with your personal fragrances, tomorrow what is it going to be your pets, maybe your kids?  

Office Memo:

Effective immediately!  As some of you know we are changing things around at Hannigan Inc.  We have created this list of rules for the betterment of our team.  We at Hannigan Inc. feel in order to better service our clients we must first show proper respect for our teammates. 

1.  Please leave your perfumes, colognes, aftershaves and the like for your days off.  Some people have allergies to these things and we must be sensitive and respectful of our teammates.

2.  Please save your showers for the weekends, no later than Sunday morning and no sooner than Friday evenings.  Because it has come our attention that some of our teammates have strong allergies to these scented products, even the unscented varieties pose a problem  Monday through Friday please refrain from showers or baths.

3.  No smoking on your breaks,lunches, or in your car to work or any part of your work day.  Save your smoking for the weekends.  Studies have shown that smokers are not productive and require more breaks than the average employee.   If you have trouble with this we have resources available anonymously so you can quit without the knowledge of others knowing your problem.

4.  Employees at Hannigan Inc, will be terminated immediately if they have children or are actively caring for another person's child. Studies have shown parents and guardians are not reliable and are less productive.  They miss more time from work, jeopardizing morale of teammates.  If you are currently pregnant or just found out your coworker is with child come to my office immediately so we can look into other forms of employment for said coworker.

5.  We will no longer allow employees to have or own pets.  Unless they are shaved.  Some of our clients have pet allergies and have complained that some of our teammates have sparked an allergy causing them to miss time from their own jobs.  If you cannot shave your pets you will have to give them up to the shelter.  There is a shelter that is more than happy to work with us to help us all.  Every Saturday they will be here in the parking lot from 8 am -4pm and you can drop off your pets then.  

6.  At Hannigan Inc, we understand you have 1 hour for lunch.  Please refrain from these foods at this time:  Seafood of any kind, onions, garlic, salads of any kind, nuts, eggs, or dairy products.  It has come to our attention that many of our fellow teammates and some of our clients have severe allergies.  Please let's be respectful of those allergies.  Our main goal is to provide a healthy work environment after all.

7.  Please do not launder your work clothes.  Our fellow coworkers have a hard time with laundry soaps and such so much so that even the scent free soaps have become a problem.  So out of respect for our fellow teammates do not wash, or launder the clothes you wear to work.  Also please store said work clothes separately from all other clothing, to ensure they are scent free.

8.  It is imperative you keep a clean and neat appearance at all times.  We do not want to offend our clients or fellow coworkers.

9.  As some of you are aware of we have had to make some cut backs.  Unfortunately the electric bills in the summer are so high, we have to eliminate the use of the air conditioners this summer.  No personal desktop fans will be allowed either.  

10.  No drinking alcohol on non work hours through the business week.  You may drink your adult beverages on Friday evening and on Saturday.  No alcohol Sunday morning through Friday afternoon.  

These rules will be strictly enforced and violators will be terminated immediately.  Thank you for working with us and remember as always, we are a team.  Let's all be respectful of one another.  


Agetha Hannigan 
Ceo of Hannigan Inc.

This is what we are coming to ladies and gentlemen its only a matter of time before you have to shave your cat and not take a shower.  Itsamazingidontdrink.  

Take care, Heather

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