Its that time of year again, where your kids want every fucking toy they see. You buy foods that you would never consider cooking but you figure its the holidays you might as well conjure up your inner Betty Crocker. Some of you know that I like to cook but even I get overwhelmed this time of year. It never fucking fails either, stores from here to the Mojave Dessert are full of assholes. Jackasses that park their fucking fuel effient pieces of shit in a way that takes up two parking spaces like this dip shit in the above picture. So I thought instead of ranting and raving about this fucking douche bags, I would do something about it. You all care to join me??
1. If you are a parent you more than likely will have sidewalk chalk at your disposal. Draw a circle around the car and make arrows at the car and write Asshole Parking like this:
2. Find your inner computer geek and type up asshole parking tickets and print a shit ton of them off. Take them with you wherever you go and place one of these gems on the windshild. Check off what they violated and all will be right with the world.
3. Find every fucking cardboard box you can think of break them all down so they are flat and cover that mother fucker's car with them. Make sure you bring a lot of them too because the more he or she has to remove cardboard off their car.
4. Call up a few close friends, primarily the ones who hate asshole parkers as much as you do and have every single one of them park their cars around the said asshole's car. I can promise that will be the last damn time this fucker ever thinks about taking up two parking spaces.
5. This is my last and personal favorite. Surround that mother fucker's car with shopping carts. A shit ton of them.
I do not condone spray painting the car or any other forms of vandalizm to someone's car even if they are a fucking douche. However with these tips you can feel better and not have to rant and rave and you can sit back and enjoy the holidays. How its meant to be enjoyed with pretty paper, bows, Christmas music in the background and a 5th of something strong. However I dont drink. Its amazing I dont drink !
So last week I wrote about all the things not to do on facebook. This week I am going to give you my personal top 5 of things to have fun with on facebook. I am calling this facebook fuckery because there will be some people with no sense of humor that will take personal offense to these if you do them. We all know those people who find everything you do or say offensive even when its not about them. Annoying asshats I know so lets fuck with them. Heheheehe follow these tips and sit back and laugh your ass off.
1. Put your ex's name as the status on your facebook post with no further details. We all love playing party games and when alcohol is involved all kinds of fun can be had. The loser of this game has to put their ex's name as their status. Let the comments begin!
2. Changing your relationship status for the hell of it. What you do here is find a random friend on your facebook page and change your relationship status to include them in it. The fun part is to see who is going to accept your relationship lol.
3. Like all status, pictures ect. Find a random friend and like all their shit, right down to pictures, like all their random postings ect. Then go back through and remove all the likes. What that sorry fucker is left with is a shit ton of notifications and nothing to show for it. Your welcome.
4. Randomly changing your information. For instance you can change weather or not you are interested in men to women or vise versa or you can change your own gender. The nosey nells of your friends will have something to talk about, and everyone else will either not give a fuck or they have always known this about you. Either way its comedy at work people.
5. Posting randomly and tagging all your friends. An example of this would be " I just got laid." and tagging everyone or certain people in the post. To make that post more interesting tagging more people is better. Oh let the fuckery begin! lol
Ok So there you have em guys. Go into these waters carefully though, we dont want to see you get fired from your job so tagging your boss in some of these is not a good idea, unless you have one of those bosses with a killer sense of humor, dont do it. If you want to make it a lot more fun tag someone you know is uptight and nervous all the time. They will totally lose their shit for real. Have fun everyone.
Itsamazingidontdrink
I have been noticing smart people making really fucking stupid choices when it comes to Facebook. Now is it my business what they do? No however if they were to ask for anyone's opinion before making these grave choices I bet they would be met with a resounding FUCK NO! So in this post today I am going to start off by giving you the top 5 no nos when it comes to facebook. I could probably write a novel but this just the fuck ups I see on a regular basis. So here are the top 5 Dont's to facebook according to me.
1. Letting someone take over your whole Facebook account.
Are you fucking stupid? Do you just want to get thrown off Facebook because if you do then go ahead and let someone take it over. If you are really that fucking lazy that you need someone to take over for you, just fucking delete your account. Not only are you allowing them to stalk all your friends but you are giving them way too much control. Hey dont blame me if your mom calls you and says "what is this I hear about you blowing trannies?" I tried to warn you, dumbass.
2. Friending people for the "entertainment" of it. I get it I have been there we always seem to have those "friends" that have more issues than People magazine, however when the amusement goes away and it will, they will fucking drive you insane with their non stop bitching and moaning. Let them fucking go, chances are they dont give a fuck if you are friends with them or not just as long as they have that small group of friends that says, "awwww I am so sorry that happened to you." Meanwhile they are thinking "omg bitch please, life is what you make it, obviously misery got your company."
3. Posting cryptic messages without giving any further details and saying shit like "well I don't want to post it all on here." Keep in mind yes I am guilty of this one and I understand people need to vent that is fine. However I see it more than I want to of people talking about someone dying and not saying who it is or whatever. Listen if you dont want to put it on facebook then guess what dumbass? DONT FUCKING PUT IT ON FACEBOOK EVEN A LITTLE BIT! Really you have to go all or nothing with that shit. We live in a world today that there are family members spread out by thousands of miles, to put out there some innuendo that could potential be about your family and give no details, makes you an asshole.
4. Friending your parents. Omg dont do it you stupid fucks. Unless of course you are 12 years old and still need monitoring. Or you have the type of parents that understand completely what Facebook is all about. If you are in the percentage that have parents who have no clue about facebook its best to not go there. You dont want your facebook posts to be the topic of every holiday family get together do you?
5. Complaining that no one comments back to you or likes your statuses. Now I will say as a blogger both food and doing this blog its imperative to get likes just so people who want to see your shit gets to actually see it. However if you just are on facebook to connect with old friends and see what is going on their lives and you bitch and moan about people not commenting back, either you dont understand how facebook works or your an attention whore. The truth of the matter is its not polite or impolite to not comment back. Shit happens in our real life that causes us to not be strapped down by the chains of facebook. I know its amazing but it does happen from time to time. Not everyone is going to be able to read your post either. Sometimes that new
sfeed is so fast that I cannot keep up so I do real life things, like I dont know take a fucking walk. Play with my kids or help them with homework. So please do not jump on my shit if I either dont comment right back to you or like all your shit. Chances are I have a fucking life, and when I am not busy I will get back to you.
So there you have em folks the top 5 fuck ups that even your's truly is guilty of from time to time too.
Stay tuned for the next blog post, the Top 5 Facebook Fuckery will be coming your way next week. Until then all , itsamazingidontdrink.
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| The Snow Midget |
A long time ago back when my blended family was in its infancy, the snow midget was born. He walked for miles but always had to stay in the freezing cold because well.... he was made of snow. He didn't bring presents or candy he brought chips, salsa and beer. Lots of beer. Of course it was root beer, because well we aren't a bunch of drunks ya know. He landed on my back door on our first snow together as a family. Riding on my daughter's barbie bike and he was wearing her hat and scarf. None the less my daughter loved him. She thought he was so funny. As her and her father were building him from what little bit of snow we got that first snow, I thought to myself, self that is one ugly ass snow man. However it made my little girl happy and that is all that really matters. Hilarity did ensue when my husband scurried around the back yard looking for patches of snow to build him. Toby hardly dressed for the weather and back then he had a lot more hair too, was turning red in the face and on the hands. The snow midget took them most of the afternoon to build and when I say them, I mean mostly Toby lol. What can I say he loves that little girl.
As the snow midget was being built they realized he isn't going to have much character just being a small snow midget so we gave him a motorcycle , a pink one. Found some sticks for hands and legs and now the snow midget has style. I would put him on pintrest with instructions on how to make him but I don't want to brag about my daughter and husband's genius skill building.
After he was built, root beers, chips and salsa for everyone and then they all took naps. I guess an afternoon of snow midget building was hard work and that snow midget hung out with us all winter long. Christmas eve we decorated his bike with some tinsel and a couple of ornaments. This is just one of the funner times of living in a climate where it snows. Because you yourself can build yourself a snow midget and he can have his very own adventures. Like the time my daughter took his legs off to sword fight with one of her other friends. They put his limbs back when they were finished playing and the snow midget was very happy they did.
However if your snow midget ever tries to come inside your house or starts peeking through your windows its probably best to get some hot water send that snow midget to snow midget heaven. No I am not drunk as I am writing this and yes its amazing I don't drink.
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| Snow midget be ridin |
I am going to change gears here a little bit, why? Because I can and because this is my blog and I think I have the creative ability to do just that. As with most of you yesterday I heard the heart breaking news about Robin Williams. I felt sad for the fact that there will be no more amazing movies, comedy shows or even interviews with this amazing and prolific actor. I was and still am a huge fan of Euphegenia Doubtfire and laughed until it physically hurt in Good Morning Vietnam. That was yesterday, today I am pissed.
Why do you ask? Because aside from being such a living legend and very versatile in his craft. Robin Williams was a family man, he was happily married had grown children, and had remarkable resources just by being, Robin Williams. Good person and funny man also suffered from depression, this is not why I am pissed however. Depression and bipolar are real diseases and should earn your respect because there is no amount of money, medication or self help out there to cure it. It is manageable though, my husband suffers from those same diseases and its a battle for him daily but you know what, he doesn't think about fucking killing himself. For those of you who have not heard yet, my husband and I are getting divorced but that doesn't mean I don't still care about him or want the very best for him, he's still my best friend and will continue to be my best friend until I die. With all that being said though, there is help available and there would have been more help at Robin Williams fingertips than my husband's. Some people are all pissed off because Shepherd Smith called him a coward, don't be pissed at Shep for speaking the obvious. He was a fucking coward! He knew a month ago he needed help and got into a rehab facility, however he should have also took some of the $ he has and got a top notch therapist as well. I am not saying if he did those things it would be easy, but the mother fucker would be alive today, to be able to see his kids have kids and maybe even teach one of his grand kids his craft of comedy. However he had to throw that all away! Suicide is not about just the person committing it, its about the family that has to live with the fact that someone they called daddy or someone they promised their lives to or in some cases gave birth to killed themselves. In my opinion that makes them no better than some strange asshole off the streets coming in and killing them. I am no more mad at a murderer than I am with someone who kills themselves. ITS THE MOST SELFISH FUCKING THING TO DO! You leave behind so many people that fucking love your ass and they have to somehow pick up the fucking pieces! Are you fucking kidding me????? just for loving your ass alone is punishment enough! Egocentric sons of bitches is what I call them because they are only looking at their pain, their feelings. I know what I am saying is not popular and not even fucking politically correct but these are my thoughts my feelings about an act that you cannot come back from. Robin Williams could have made millions of movies and tv shows that failed and he has but he was able to come back from that but this .... no there is no coming back from this shit. Dead is dead and if you feel that you need take your life to make whatever hurt you have going on inside you, think about your kids, think about the family you leave behind that wishes and begs if there was only just one more day with you you may be alive. They live with that torture for the rest of their lives. It all could have been avoided if you just got the help you needed.
If you know someone or you are someone that needs help before its too late place contact these people or someone in your local area.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
I want to add that when I wrote this post this was my knee jerk reaction. Like many of you I was and still am a huge fan of Robin Williams. I was so saddened to learn he took his own life. The fact of the matter is we can get mad as I did, or we can understand that dancing in the deep dark corners of depression its hard to see the light. All I am asking anyone is if you notice the signs be the light for the person who needs it. Be that candle in the wind if you will or try to find the resources to get help for that person before its too late. I know there are times that there are no signs visible to anyone else. All I can do is offer you prayers and my love. I know this post was very inflammatory to some, I was hurt and angry about the loss of such true talent. Take care of yourselves. Heather
Before I get started I need to make something very clear, I love men. I love how they
think, I love how they smell after they take a shower and without them the human race would end after all ladies without them we would wind up childless. With that all being said men are dumbasses.
You have the men who are so smart, they figure out the most complex mathematical problems and fix your computer at the same time within minutes. However when it comes to running the microwave or cleaning up the fucking drips they leave on the bathroom floor, its beyond their comprehension. I guess the mundane day to day tasks of the day completely escapes them, after all they have more important matters to tend to and none of which most of us could understand anyway.
Then you have the mr serious guy, we all know who he is. He follows the rules to the letter, he always has a super serious look on his face and impossible to read. I feel sorry for the woman who falls in love with this guy, you will never be able to read him and when it comes to matters of the heart everything is confidential and off the record. He's the guy who folds his socks a certain way, has his pants, shirts and suits all in a straight line in his closet and I bet they are color coded too. When it comes to unpredictable life moments that is where these men are a hoot. They become very confused very fast, you can see it all over their face, fight, flight, laugh or cry. Once things settle down he's back into his comfort zone once again as Mr Super serious.
Then you have the guy who says he's a simple man, ladies please don't buy into that. They are the men who are country boys, not into fashion at all and that is what makes them so goddamned appealing. Its because of that fact that when you start dating Mr simplistic that women from all walks of life will want to be you and the others will be jealous. After all they want a simple man too. There is one flaw with that, a simple man just means he doesn't keep up with trends but likes to do what he wants to do and lives life be the seat of pants. He doesn't intend to but he does cause a lot of drama and us women call it man drama and yes guys it does exist. However he is gone before the drama hits the fan and moving on to the next phase in his life. However this creates a lot of complex situations for this "simple man".
There are also Mr Adventure, Mr Player and Mr couch potato. All of them have one thing in common, to populate the entire world and do it as fast as possible before they die. Yes even mr couch potato. Mr adventure's claim to fame is " Chicks dig it." Where as Mr player says " I am doing women a public service." Mr couch potato is saying to his wife or girlfriend "please clean the house naked." So you see men are loveable creatures and just as much as they are a pain our asses we love them. We marry them or date them and have their children or not and we still are there for them when they electrocute themselves because their tv wont come in, or when they fall on their asses trying jump over a hill. Mr player he's a little different because no one has time for his shit and the only woman that will always love him is his mama and in fact that is probably the only woman he will be loyal to for the rest of his life, so you could say Mr player is a closet mama's boy.
One thing is for sure if they are all dumbasses, what does that make us for loving them? Thank you all for stopping by.
ItsamazingIdontdrink
.....And we are back, it has been one crazy time over here at its amazing I don't drink. We are talking about sick kids, sick grown ups, Dr visits, hospital visits and Yolo. Now let me explain, I grew up during a time when only the government had computers, cell phones were the size of huge shoe boxes and texting was never heard of. Yeah I am that old. I am pretty quick to learn however and taking typing classes that later turned into computer classes when I was high school was a pretty smart thing for me do, considering I am a natural blond. However there are still things that escapes me like YOLO. I just learned what it meant and before that I pretended to know. Yeah we all do that too, we just don't want to admit it. Well I am not too fucking proud, have a couple of kids and all pride goes out the damn window. Anyway, I have taken the time to help out my generation to keep up with their kid's lingo and be that parent that suddenly makes the cool shit look not so cool anymore. Yeah I am "that" mom. My kids really liked Katy Perry until I messed up every single lyric of "I kissed a girl." That song made my gag reflex go bat shit crazy and I knew my kids had no idea what it meant, so why not fuck it up, it was after all for their sanity, later in their life when they realize what it really means. Ok so now that I have trailed way off topic let's get helping you poor middle aged bastards that will have one up on your kids, or at least have them thinking you do.
DBA: Dont bother asking. So the next time you catch your kids climbing in their bedroom windows late at night and they say DBA, you know something is up.
QAP: Quick as possible, You will blow your kids cool bubble if you say "take out the trash qap."
VBD: Now at first glance this looks like an STD Sexually transmitted disease for those who are not in the know. But I can promise you this means "Very Big Deal." I don't know about you but if I see my kids say this, shit's about to get real very fast because how big is this very big deal we are talking about?
FHO: Friends hanging out, depending on the ages of the friends depends on if you are going to get a visit from your local police department.
INCYDK: In Case you didn't know, this one stumped me at first because it sounds like a boy band. However if you see this or hear this from your kids they are either cheating on a test or have a crush on the opposite sex.
403: Deny access to, this cannot be good. Your kid will find a way to make sure their denied access will be approved, if it means they need a fake ID or the age old rule of two permits make a license. This could mean very bad things.
SNH: Sarcasm noted here, this one isn't bad at all. All that means is your kid inherited your smart ass gene.
YSVW: Your so very welcome, this could have good and bad reasons on why your kid would text this. I want to think positive so this one is no big deal. Unless they are knocking over a liquor store for a friend.
L8TR: Ok even I figured this out, it means later, for those of you who are still on the short bus or you just have too much shit on your mind to devote to texting then you may not be reading this anyway.
GRX: This sounds like a new DMX cd but I can promise you it isnt, it means
Gracias, Merci. No problems here either the kids are just saying thank you, be it answers to a test or for any number of things, use your imagination.
ULM: You love me, again depends on your kid on how this one could go. Unless they are texting this to their teacher I am sure you have nothing to worry about.
YGTI: You get the idea, this could be very bad, you get the idea that we are going to put sugar in a gas tank, or you get the idea that we are going to do homework this weekend, see shit can go both ways.
TLTR: Too long to read, even I suffer from this if something is too long I skim through it probably like what you are doing now. Imagine saying this the next time you get a speeding ticket lol. Laugh out loud for those who don't know.
YOLO: You only live once, if you ever see this be prepared for either parents coming to your house or police.
FTW: Fuck the world, this has been around since I was a kid, in fact there was a water tower about a block from my house and some asshole climbed up there and wrote this with black spray paint for everyone to see. If you were that little asshole that did that and your reading this now, STFU, shut the fuck up for those who are not in the know.
So there you have em folks, the short hand of life that can mean so little or not depending on what kind of debauchery you or your kids are into.
Oh and as a side note the title of this post means: Rolling on the floor laughing my mother fucking ass off while shitting my pants.
ItsamazingIdontdrink
